TEAM 2012

As the new year is only hours away, I sit and think to myself what 2011 brought us. For the most part I cannot complain; Marc & I are madly in love and continue to build the strength of our marriage, my family and friends are healthy and for the most part happy, a life changing event intruded into my family but we all came out on the other side closer than ever and we got to travel to amazing places and see some of the people we love the most. On the other hand 2011 brought us, 4 failed tries with Clomid, 6 failed tries of conceiving naturally and 2 failed IUIs..with that came heartbreak, tears and the most raw emotions one can feel. Looking back I would say the good out weighed the bad, but it was sure a tough year to get through.

I would like to become part of Team 2012. This will consist of couples who for the first time, or struggling for another, will get their positive pregnancy test and find the joy in their hearts they have been spending all these years looking for. Plus, Team 2012 just has a cool ring to it. :) If I do become part of Team 2012 I will be making everyone t-shirts so be prepared!  That is my dream....my goal.....my everything I will be focusing 2012 on. I am working on myself, my stress level and my emotional state to have everything I can working in my favor!

With this new year I am also wondering how I should be feeling about this whole situation. One of the greatest struggles I have had through this whole journey is how I should feel. I have felt guilt, anger, sadness, resentment and REALLY PISSED OFF!!! But what I am wondering is how should I feel before each month when we try? Should I be positive thinking it could happen, this may be our time, only to have to pick up the pieces of sheer devastation when we aren't....OR.....do I have a negative Nancy attitude knowing it won't work therefore not needing to pick myself up each time it doesn't happen? I try not to share my emotions with people for the fear that they think I want the attention or that I am whining (see this blog rocks because you read it....no one made you..lol) but this journey is a huge part of my life, I mean we are talking about my family here. Isn't that a huge part of your life? So with this new year I hope to figure out how to feel, or what to feel.


Also with 2012 I would like to be less cynical when it comes to others having babies, but since technically it's still 2011 I would like to have my last interjection. Today I found out about 2 couples who are either expecting or had a child who in my mind should not be parents. I am not going to list the reason why I feel this way, just trust me. However, if that really is the future of our country I would say my job is safe!!! hahaha Ok, now on to a better attitude for 2012.

I really enjoy writing these blogs because whether someone reads them or not they make me feel better. It's better to have these thoughts out then have them just roaming around my head. They do bad things when they are up there. :)

I just want to once again say thank you for all the love, support and understanding we have gotten. Here's to TEAM 2012!  Happy New Year! Love you guys!

Back to what I know

All the cousins and grandparents

This past week with family and friends was nothing less than amazing! The time I get to spend with the people I love is even sweeter knowing that the gift of life and family is truly a miracle. I hope everyone had a great holiday season and enjoys their new year.

The holidays were a tad bit harder for me this year. This time last year we were excited thinking  we would be parents and have a family by now. Well, as you all know that is not the case. It's pretty hard to wrap my head around why...why is this happening, why us? So I had a little break down. It was also about how I am feeling about myself. It's unfortunate that my PCOS has caused everything I have been teased or abused over; my acne, anxiety and weight. Although all three have gotten much better after being diagnosed and put on medication there are some days I still feel like shit about myself.

Christmas

Most of my family

Some of my extend family. See what I am up against? :)

members are tinny, same on Marc's side and it is very hard to always be the biggest one at family functions.  When I am feeling good about myself it seems as though that feeling gets kicked right out from under me. People (who are much smaller than myself) start talking about how they need to loose weight or continue to loose weight because they feel "fat". I understand that we all have body issues and things we want to work on, but feeling good about myself at the size I am and listening to others around me talk about how they don't feel good makes me feel like I shouldn't feel good either. I want to lie to you and tell you I am strong enough to feel awesome about myself and how I look no matter who I am around, but I'm not. That is something I have struggled with since I was in high school. When I do mention it to people and how it makes me upset I always get the "I don't know why you feel that way...you look great." or the "you have a lot stacked against you, it's not your fault plus you look great".  No matter if I have full control over it or not it doesn't feel good to be the giant of the function. So instead of talking about it I have resorted to walking away having a good cry and coming back. Selfish on my part? Probably, but at this point I don't know how else to handle it. I know my husband thinks I am beautiful and frankly that's all that matters, but it's still hard. Oh and a little hint; if you are speaking to someone who is struggling with their looks or weight the comment "you are beautiful, plus it's not all about looks" makes us want to punch you in the face. That's just your nice way of saying we aren't as good looking as everyone else. That my friends is extremely hurtful to listen to.

Our Family

So with all this crap in my head I have decided to start doing what I know makes me feel better.  Writing about my day EVERY DAY and meditation both when I get up and go to bed will be the beginning. I have used this technique to get through a lot of the extremely hard times in my life so I figure now would be as good of time as any to get back into the routine. I hate feeling depressed or bad about myself and the only persons who can change it is ME!!! So, you will probably be seeing a more consistent flow of blogs . I am like an open book!   HA HA Please feel free to ask questions if you have them. I would rather you ask than be all weird around me. So here's to starting a new routine that will allow me to feel good about myself and get through this shit storm that is PCOS.

6 months later. The hardest thing about infertility.

It's been 6 months since I have written a blog. I have done a lot of vlogging, but for this topic I felt it more appropriate to write about. So here we go.......

What has happened in the last 6 months? I thought dealing with the pain of not getting pregnant would get easier especially since we are on a break. This is just not true. Although it's not a consistent worry like when you are trying some days are easier than others. Putting on a brave face and being around people who have had the miracle of a baby has brought two very deep emotions. Somedays I feel absolute joy being around them knowing that all the tears and heartbreak will be worth it some day, however, somedays it brings the deepest pain one can feel. It's a fine line I walk. No matter how close I am to the person and how truly happy I am for them, it can still be a struggle. I feel guilty having this emotion considering some of my very best friends are effected by it. I never want them to think they need to hide their happiness, or their babies for that matter, I just want them to know it is something I work on everyday.

I have found the hardest part of infertility is suffering in silence. There are nights when I just cry, uncontrollably cry. I do it at times when I am alone, not wanting my sadness to effect those around me. It's not really baggage I can take to work with me....it's not really baggage I can talk with my family or friends with since none of them know really what I am going through or how excruciating the pain is.....as much as I love my husband and want to share with him, I don't want him to know it hurts more days than it doesn't. People are so sweet and always tell me they are here if I need them, but it's not really something a conversation is going to fix. All the advice in the world and people telling me to relax won't help me get pregnant.

I want to be a mom more than anything. I yern to have a little one in my arms and to extend our family. I am in no way looking for sympathy, but the writing process helps me cope and I have had multiple requests for a baby-making update. So, here ya go.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love that keeps coming our way!

Taking a break

As many of you know I was in my two week wait and going crazy. I had lots of symptoms and many of them looked like we might be pregnant. I took an HPT (home pregnancy test) Friday before we left to go camping and it was negative. However, it was a few days before I was supposed to be testing so I was not too concerned. Well,while camping I began to spot and started AF (aunt flow). I was really upset. :( I was relaxing in the tent while Marc was fishing when I realized and got extremely sad because I had to tell Marc we weren't pregnant. An intense sense of guilt came over me. It's my fault and my body making this journey so hard. I am afraid Marc will hold it against me or begin to resent me because it's such a struggle for us. So when I told him I cried, HARD. He was great just held me and reassured me he doesn't hold it against me or resent me for it. It was good to hear, but still in the back of my mind I have a fear of him having bad feelings toward me. In the moments of tears and sadness we had a very serious talk. TTC (trying to conceive) is emotionally and financially draining. We have been trying for a year and a half with out any real results except a huge hole in our hearts (and wallet). We decided we need to spend time refocusing our energy on each other and find peace in the fact that we have an amazing life. So after a year and a half of trying, lots of negative tests, thousands of dollars and many tears....we are taking a break from TTC. We are in a good place right now with it and both think it's the best thing to do.

In true Henderson fashion we have decided while we take a break from TTC we will party like ROCKSTARS. No need for us to sulk in what has not happened yet or worry about when it is going to. This break is to help us relax and enjoy the life we have together. What better way to enjoy life then be a little reckless and celebrate every moment we have together! We are young and have tons of time to be parents. There is a reason for this....there has to be! We will try very hard to find out why and someday it will be clear. Until then it's going to be about us for a while, back to exploring all the reasons we love each other so much, back  to the days where such heavy hearted emotions were not in our vision, back to the proud feelings of our accomplishments we have gained through our hard work! We have in no way given up. We will be parents someday, but right now we can't handle all the tears and broken hearts. Someday we will get back to trying.

We are not looking for sympathy, sadness, or pity from any of you. We are looking for understanding from you that we don't want to talk much about it, so please don't ask. The break starts today....out of sight out of mind for a while. We are so thankful for all the love and support you have all given us, we are truly blessed, and will keep you updated. When we know you will know! So for now let's toast to an amazing life and enjoying every minute of it! PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!!!


The video below is what is on my vlog. Thought you might like to see it. The music is the best part. :)

2ww symptoms

Ok, my two week wait has been killing me! I mean really, how do you not think about it? Everyday I get closer to being able to test I get more and more nervous. As you know I have NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test and I have mixed emotions about how to feel right now. Do I get excited and hopeful? Do I stay guarded and not ever get excited? It's such an weird place to be in right now. It doesn't help that I Google WAY TOO MUCH, I watch TOO MANY VLOGS, and I ALWAYS compare myself to others going through this too even though every woman is different. Oh well! I do LOVE Vloging though! I really just love it. So I have put together a little video of my 2ww symptoms. (which we on "womb tube"-look it up-do often!) This will give other crazy woman like myself another video to watch and compare themselves to; because that's what we do! :)

Now a little disclaimer before you watch it......trying to get pregnant is not a pretty thing and there are some things that the normal human may think is gross. SO...if you can't handle a little talk about what is happening to the body....I probably wouldn't watch this. The rest of you brave souls...ENJOY!!!!!!


http://youtube.com/watch?v=lAd4j5AgKHM

IUI #2....here's to successful baby-making!

Can I just start by saying how amazing life is? I have the best husband in the world, amazing friends and family and the most amazing ladies I coach! All put together equals a very blessed life that I am extremely thankful for. The weather has been beautiful and I am stress free for the first time in a long time. (Thank you summer break!)

I went for my last FC on Friday. Both follicles were still there. The one on the left was a 20mm or 21mm the one on the right was a 18mm or 19mm and my lining was a 9.5! All good news, so I gave myself the trigger shot on Saturday and went in for our IUI on Monday. Marc and I were both WAY more relaxed this time and just laughed all morning. (I am a true believer that your attitude plays a huge part in your success.) Marc took in his sample at 8:00am and then we went in at 9:30am for the IUI. Marc was much better about just coming in with me instead of making a big huff about it. It probably helped that there was a waiting room full of other patients. :) My doctor's office does a lot of teaching and there was a student who wanted to see how the procedure was done. I said "come on in, we'll make it a party!" Marc was none too thrilled that she was there or that I had made that comment. You see, when you have to go through all the doctors visits and uncomfortable situations while trying to get pregnant you learn just to laugh and make a joke about it. Marc is not quite there with me. LOL On the day of our first IUI Marc's count was pretty low with 4 million sperm...this time it was 38 million sperm. MUCH BETTER! The extra day off of baby-dancing made a hugh difference. I gave him some encouragement about how well he did this time, again not there with me yet. He wasn't thrilled I made that comment either, but he's not the one with people looking at him and getting all up in his business so I just kept laughing! My cervix was open and right where it needed to be and everything looked great. They finished the procedure and we laid there for 10 minutes then went about our regular day. (which included kicking ass at a softball game...JUST SAYING) So now it's the hard part; the two week wait. I am not even going to look at the calendar to see when I can test....we are going camping the weekend of June 18th and if I haven't started my period before that (PLEASE!!!) I will take a home pregnancy test! I have a good attitude about it, but again am cautious to be excited. These two weeks are going to be long, but I at least have lots planned and not much time at home by myself.  So if any of you want to hang out.....let me know. :)

Another thing that has been greatly helpful in going through this process is the community of woman I have found that vlog on Youtube. These ladies are amazing and the most supportive people you can meet. I do vlogs as well and update those more regularly then this. If you would like to see my videos as well as read this blog the link is:  http://www.youtube.com/user/woohoo5151?feature=mhee

That's all I have for today. It may be 2 weeks before I update again and hopefully it will be good news. THNAK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!!!
Jess

And here we go with round 2 of our IUI's

My Nephew & I in Junction

Happy Wednesday! I hope you all had a fabulous Memorial Day weekend. Marc and I went to Grand Junction with family and rode our ATV's. It was delightful!

Marc & our niece in Junction

Last Tuesday I went to the doctor for ultra sound #1 of this round of IUI. Both ovaries were clear which is good. Some woman (especially with PCOS) form large cysts on their ovaries and are unable to continue through the IUI process. I have been lucky not have that either round. Today was ultra sound #2 on cycle day 11. Last round on this cycle day 11 ultra sound I had no follicles on my right side and one on my left that measured around an 11. Today I had one follicle on my right side (which is the side less effected by my PCOS and the one we want to ovulate from) which was a 13 and ALSO had one on my left side which measured at an 18. Two positive things about this ultra sound: One-I have 2 follicles instead of just one! Two-the follicles are bigger on day 11 this time then they were last time! My left ovary is still stuck on top of my uterus and seems like it will probably stay there. Who knows if that is causing some of my problems. Not sure the doctor really knows either since we can't figure out why it is there. I will go in for another ultra sound on Friday to see how large the follicles have gotten. My doctor is pretty sure that Monday will be our day for the IUI. If that's the case I will give myself a trigger shot on Saturday and will keep our fingers crossed for Monday! I want to be excited that I have more than one follicle and they are larger, quicker, but I am reserved about having those feelings considering last time I was optimistic and it didn't work. We shall see. I think this round I will only be explaining my symptoms and feelings to my husband and will be more private about them so if it doesn't work, I am not having to explain myself to others and have people continue to ask questions. BUT, we can use all the finger crossing, good thought thinking, praying if that's your sort of thing we can get. We are grateful for all the support and love and will hopefully have good news soon!

Some of my favorite people & greatest
supporters.

The one thing I did struggle with today is having to ask Marc to take some time off on Monday. It is pretty short notice and I know that he has a hard time taking time off, that is just how the company is. He was not happy about having to try and figure out how to get the time off. I feel guilty about it because not only is it my fault we are struggling to have children, it's also my fault that Marc is having to fight to get the time off. It is a seriously sensitive subject and just his reaction of frustration made me cry. I don't know if I will ever feel better about the fact that it's my fault this happening. I am the only one making me feel that way, no one else has ever said anything about it, but it's still in the back of my mind often. Just something I am going to have to work through.

My softball girls

  So, I will continue to focus on other things like softball. We won our game (the first of the season) last night and it's non-stop softball from here on out! GO RAIDERS! We also have ATV and Camping trips planned and lots of time with family and friends. I have an amazing life with amazing people in it and have a lot to be thankful for. I try to think about all of these things when I am having a rough day. I love all of you and am grateful for your support and love. XOXO

Could it be more confusing please!?

After my last post my Dr.'s office called back and told me I wasn't due for my period until the 25th or 26th because of when I ovulated and that if I was just spotting (which I was) it could be implantation bleeding. I was in a much better mood then thinking I might actually still be pregnant. So I had very light spotting from Wednesday on. The color was pinkish or brown (which is what color implantation bleeding is supposed to be) and very light. I was pretty much excited and convinced I was pregnant. Well.....then this morning I woke up and there was quite a bit more blood and it was red, not brown or pink. DAMN IT!!!! So I took a pregnancy test, just to make sure I am not crazy and guess what....it was negative like every other one I have taken. I sort of figured. It's because I was getting excited.....I even made the mistake of telling some people I was maybe a little more excited and then researching when I would be due etc. DUMB ME!!! This happens every time...I get excited and then BOOM....my period starts! Great. Now what I am really concerned about is why I started spotting so early and that means my luteal phase (the phase post ovulation to your next period) is short which is not good! THIS SUCKS!!!!! So tomorrow I will be calling the doctor and hopefully going in. I don't want to miss my shot at taking the drugs and starting the IUI process all over again. I already gave myself a day on Wednesday when I first started spotting to feel shitty and sad so I will not do that today. Maybe a little pissy, but really how is that going to help anything? It's not going to change the fact that I am not pregnant and it's really just annoying! So, we have a game plan...doctor tomorrow and another round of IUI...hopefully a more successful round.

So much for my 2 week wait!

So much for my two week wait! I was super grumpy last night and couldn’t figure out why. I also had some pain in my legs (which usually means cramps) but I ignored it since I thought it would be at least 2 weeks before my period would even start. Well I was wrong. I should have known….with my cramps in my legs, my piss poor attitude and the little amount of acne on my face…all signs of my period coming! The funniest part is last night I told Marc if I am not pregnant this round I want another puppy. So when I went to the bathroom this morning I came out and told him “I guess we are getting a another puppy!” I held the tears in for almost 5 minutes then just broke down. Marc held me and was obviously sad, but being very supportive. When he left for work the “ugly cry” came out. I was uncontrollable. I just kept thinking this isn’t fair what did I do to deserve this? Also, I feel bad for Marc because the reason we are struggling has everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. How can I not feel guilty about that? He continues to assure me it’s not my fault, but it’s really hard not to feel like it is. Needless to say I am in a shitty mood today. It’s really good I only have 3 days of work left because today I just wanted to curl up on my couch and cry……


I am not sure why I had this reaction because I had prepared myself (or thought I did) for this outcome. I only had one follicle and Marc’s count wasn’t so high when we did the IUI. Also, I had ovulated from my left side which is the side more effected by my PCOS and sits on top of my uterus, plus from all the research I have done the % of couples who are successful with the first round of IUI is REALLY small. I think it’s because the bad news came a week earlier than I thought it was going to. It really just never gets easier. Every time my period shows up I think maybe it will never happen, but I don’t like thinking that way because I am not sure I really believe that. I have a call in to my doctor to start the process all over again. At least this time I will not have to take any time off of work for all the ultra sounds and what not. So again I ask, please keep your fingers crossed, think good thoughts and pray if that’s your kind of thing this time for me to ovulate from the right side with more follicles.

I plan to drink heavily this weekend with my best friend and hubby, shoot my gun and ride my ATV. These are all things that make me feel better and I refuse to stay in the depression mode because it sucks! I will give myself the rest of today to feel shitty about it and then it will be time to move on. I continue to be amazed by the amount of support we have and also how many people actually have gone through this or are going through this same thing right now. Like I said in one of my first blogs we need to talk to each other more. You just never know who will have the thing that will make you feel better or inspire you. I hope that my blog not only makes me feel better, but helps others going through the same thing! And it’s not even just for the woman; this is a struggle for the men in our lives too. Marc has been amazingly supportive, but I know he is sad. We need to support them as well. Infertility affects so many parts of our lives and we need to be able to communicate with each other and understand what the other person needs. I am truly blessed to have the husband I do! I can’t say that enough!!!!! I LOVE YOU MARC!!!!!!

So that’s my update for the day. Not really the update I wanted to be giving, but that’s life…….

IUI

It has been a crazy week yet again. It must have something to do with the fact that school is almost over and people are loosing their minds....mostly the other adults I work with. Only 4 more days and it's summer break so I think I will be able to make it! :) Looking back it's hard to imagine how fast the year has gone, but it was a tough year.

Ok, back to the update I am sure you are here for.On Monday I gave myself the HCG trigger shot to induce ovulation. It was a little weird giving myself a shot, but it didn't hurt which is good! On Wednesday I had the IUI done. Marc gave his sample then an hour later we went in. Marc was very uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I told him it wasn't the most comfortable thing for me either so he was going to stand next to me and be my moral support. Reluctantly he came in the room with me. The nurse showed us the tube of sample to make sure it was ours. (Could you imagine if there was a mix up....NOT GOOD) Once it was determined that it was she put the sample into a small catheter, inserted through my cervix into my uterus and injected it. The whole procedure too about a minute and I didn't feel anything during it. The awkward part was having to lay there for 10 minutes afterward. It's like having sex with out any of the fun! ;) While I was laying there I did get a little crampy, but it was no big deal. Nothing like the uncomfortable HSG procedure. After the 10 minutes were up we left and were told to go back to normal activity. Now we wait 2 weeks before we can test. I think the hardest part for me is that there is nothing I can or can't do to help the process and I have to just wait. We all know I am a tad bit of a control freak and not having any control over this situation has been a hard part of the journey, but it has taught me a lot. It defiantly has taught me to let go of things that aren't important to me and to take a deep breath....life is too short.

On that note I just have to let you know that yesterday a former student of mine passed away in her sleep. She was 17. Finding out information like that really forces you to examine your own life and look at what you are doing. I couldn't imagine having to loose a child. Life really is too short and can be taken away from us at any moment...it is so important to live your life to the fullest with no regrets. I am thankful that her death was not in vein and she has taught many of us to find the joy in life.

I want to walk through life instead of being dragged through it.

-Alanis Morissette

Until next time keep smiling and live life to the fullest!

A Monday morning update!

Why hello to you all and happy Monday. This week is going to be a little bitter sweet for me. I am extremely excited for school to be over, but I only have 2 more days with my seniors. I have one senior softball player who will be very hard to say good-bye to. I am so proud of her success and can't wait to see where her journey takes her. She was accepted to CSU-Pueblo where she will be studying business and playing softball. I know we will keep in touch because I have pretty much adopted her :), but it's still kind of sad. 


Ok, on to the update about the baby making. As I mentioned in my last blog I went back to the doctor today for a follicle count ultra sound. I was a tad nervous that for some reason the follicle from Friday would have detached or something. So I am sitting in the waiting room FREAKING OUT and I ask my angel (Great Shirley) if she could help me relax a little. Not even 2 minutes later this man walks in with a blue bow-tie, cream colored pant suit (with the pants being too short) and pink socks. Now if that wasn't a sign from Great Shirley I don't know what is. :) Needless to say I lightened up. The follicle was a 19 on Friday and a 21 or 22 today which is great! So the next steps are: A shot today, baby dancing, and the IUI on Wednesday! I am so excited. Now I don't want to get too excited because we know where that leads, but I do have a positive attitude about it which is good. So I have to ask once again we can use all the finger crossing, good thought thinking and praying if that's your kind of thing we can get....THANKS!!!!!

Our first day out riding for the season!

Marc and I had the best weekend ever! We had dinner with our best friends and took our ATVs out yesterday. There is nothing better than spending time with your favorite people who you love. I am in the best mood today. I haven't been this happy in months...it's a great feeling. (I am sure the fact that I only have 8 days left of school helps!) It feels so much better to be happy...let's hope it continues. :)

Until next time....keep smiling and enjoy yourself!

Follicle count #2

Happy Friday to you all! THANK GOODNESS!!!! It has been a hell of a week!

I have been staying pretty positive throughout this journey, but had a slight bump in the road last night. Marc found out one of his friend's wife is pregnant. I really, really tried to put on a happy face and be excited for them, but I was not to successful. When Marc told me, I had to go upstairs and take a few minutes. Those minutes included  ALL of the cycles of grief I  think, I cried and asked a lot of questions about why or what I ever did to deserve having to struggle so badly and have it rubbed in my face. Now, I am well aware that them getting pregnant has nothing to do with me not getting pregnant...they are also great people and will raise their kid in a loving and able family. It's not fair of me to get upset, but it was about the only reaction I knew how to have in the moment. I have always been a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, I am just wondering what the reason is on this one. AND I am sure I will never know. I have spent a lot of time asking for help from my angels who look over me to get through this and find the positive in the situation. They keep coming through for me, so I hope that continues. (thanks Great Shirley!) So, if the person mentioned above is reading this (and Marc mentioned you do) I am very happy for you and hope that the pregnancy is with out distress!

Marc who continues to be my rock!

I headed to the doctor this morning to get another follicle count. On Monday the biggest was a 10 today it's a 19!!!! WOOT! There is also a second one that measures 12 and may continue to grow. They want me to come in again on Monday and have another follicle count ultra sound. My doctor is pretty positive that if the follicle does not release (and there are no signs or reasons for it to do so) we will be ready for the IUI on Wednesday. That way Marc can take the day off to go with me and we have some heads up. We will see how Monday goes, but she did seem pretty positive. Other good news: I DO NOT have diabetes. (Thank Goodness) My insulin level was a little high...it should be at a 5 it was at a 9, they said just to watch my sugar and we should be good. I probably should do that anyways and I would rather have a minor life style change than have to begin shots or more drugs. On the not so positive side, the doctor is a tad concerned about where my left ovary is. It sits right on top of my uterus. Usually this means there are lesions or scare tissue. I have never had surgery for anything in my reproductive system before, so we are interested in knowing why. This round I have had some more severe pain in my ovaries and that is because the egg is growing on my left side and pushing on my uterus. So...more finger crossing, good thought doing, praying if that's your sort of thing that either we can get pregnant from this side OR that next month (if we have to go again) we have follicles on the right side. BUT, like I told my friend Kay Dee, mostly positive news is ALWAYS better than all negative news. So as of right now I am pretty positive and hopeful with this cycle.

My BFF Kay Dee who has been there for every step of this. She's the best!

My beautiful family who is extremely supportive and amazing!

I continue to be amazed at the love and support we are receiving. It warms my heart to know that although people may not know how it feels to go through this stuff, they have empathy and warm wishes for us. Like I have said in my previous posts...it really does teach you who your friends are and who you can let go of. Personally I could not do this with out my AMAZING husband, beautiful family and supportive friends. Even my softball girls have gotten in on the finger crossing, good thoughts thinking, praying if that's your sort of thing! We are truly blessed to have such amazing people in our lives. I am hoping someday I can give you all the great news that I am pregnant! Life is still good even with some bumps in the road, we just have to remember to keep smiling!

Some PCOS journey Updates!

Happy Monday Morning....I would just like to start off by saying I have 13 days until summer break and I am VERY excited!

Ok, It has been a while since I have posted a blog. A few things that are going on: one-I am vloging on youtube which some of you know and if you want to see all my videos I post you can go to (http://www.youtube.com/user/woohoo5151?feature=mhum) It is amazing how many beautiful fantastic woman are out there going through some of the same stuff I am. It is so very helpful in keeping a positive attitude when you see these other woman going through this journey and many of them have successful outcomes! 

I took Clomid 100 mg on days 3-7 this cycle and just like the last cycle I did with this amount of Clomid I had some crazy side effects: CRAZY ASS DREAMS, head aches and HOT flashes. Although they can be a little irritating I am up for ANYTHING if it helps me get pregnant! Plus I am 100% sure child birth will be worse so why not just prepare myself for it now! :)

On day one of my cycle I went in for an ultra sound to make sure my ovaries were healthy and ready to go and they were! Today I went in for another ultra sound for a follicle count. I had a few, but the largest one was 10-11, they don't know if they will keep growing until they get to at least a 13. I will head back to the doctor for another ultra sound on Friday to see where they are. At that time they will decided when I should take my trigger shot and when next week Marc and I will go in for the insemination. They also took blood today to check for Diabetes. Since my form of PCOS makes me insulin resistant it can cause Diabetes, plus it runs in my family so it's just good to know. I am hoping Friday all the follicles will be big enough and we can get the rest of the process started! I am anxious to see if it works. WE SHALL SEE..please keep your fingers crossed, hold good thoughts and pray if that's your sort of thing. We need all the good vibes we can get and very much appreciate it!

At the Rockies game with my bunches!

My mood about the whole journey is pretty positive these days. My life is freaking amazing and I know I say it all the time, but I really do have the best man in my life! He is my rock and I am so lucky to have him  in my life! I will probably do another update on Friday when I go back, but until then let's all think positive and enjoy the life we have!

I started a Video blog too

So I decided to start a blog on Youtube along with this written one. It is amazing how large of a PCOS community is out there. What amazing women they are! I wanted to share the link incase you wanted to see it. Thanks again for all of your love and support through this journey.

And here we go....

I went to the doctor today to get started on the next step of our journey. Today was for the day 1 ultra sound and I will start Clomid again on Sunday.On May 2nd I will go in for one more ultra sound (and blood work to see if I have diabetes) a few days later Marc will give me a shot of ovulation inducing hormones (GReaT!!!) once I ovulate Marc will go in to give a sample and I will go in to have the IUI done. (An IUI is An IUI -- intrauterine insemination -- is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed sperm directly into the uterus)

My ultra sound today was clean which is good. I asked the doctor what the percentage is to get pregnant with this step. She said a couple without any fertility issues have about a 20-23% chance each cycle and we are at about a 15%. Considering at first it was 0% we are working in the right direction. She seemed to have a positive outlook on the whole situation which helps me feel better about the entire situation. We will spend some serious money trying to get pregnant so I am glad that the percentage is pretty high.

I was reading some literature in the office while I was waiting and it made me feel better. It was talking about how the partners feel different about the situation and have to be able to support each other which I think Marc and I have a good handle on. It also said that many woman want to avoid other people they know having babies, or baby showers etc and that that is ok. The less stress you have the better. My friends are just going to have to be supportive if I don't come to those things. I will try, but it can be hard.

For now I am going to enjoy the summer with my husband, friends and family and just enjoy my time. I am thankful we are blessed enough to even have the means to get some help for what we are going through and I don't have much to complain about.

Gotta love life!

The Journey Continues

After the devastation of not being pregnant I set up an appointment for Marc and I to go see a fertility specialist. We went Wednesday before our trip to Vegas. The doctor was very matter of fact, but did mention PCOS is pretty common and she works with many woman who have it and has a high success rate of helping them get pregnant. We did an ultra sound where she saw that my right ovary is less PCOSy than my left. She was a bit concerned about how close my left ovary was to my uterus so she set up for me to have a hysterosalpingogram. This procedure pushes die through your cervix to your fallopian tubes....you then have an x-ray done to see if the tubes are blocked. The rest of the appointment was just overwhelming with all the information thrown at me. I got a bit emotional, but left with more information about what I was really dealing with. And like my friend Crystal reminded me..Knowledge is POWER!I had the procedure scheduled for Monday and we left for our vacation.

Our vacation is Vegas was amazing...it not only gave Marc and I time to go have some much needed fun and relaxation, it provided me insight to the big picture. We went on a zip line in Boulder City and it was breath takingly beautiful. There is really something to be said about being in nature and realizing there is something bigger than ourselves. It was then I decide I need to relax. Worrying about the process and what I was going to be told isn't going to do me any good considering it won't change the outcome. I am looking at it now more as when/how it will happen rather than if it will happen. This vacation really saved my sanity.

So yesterday I went in for my procedure. It really wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. I mean don't get me wrong it's always uncomfortable when someone is all up in your business like that, but nothing a little humor couldn't get me through. The best part is everything came back normal. I don't have any blockages and my uterus looks healthy. Now Marc will go and get tested on Friday and we will make a plan from there. The doctor is pretty sure next steps will include Clomid and insemination to help the process along. This month we are just having fun, although I do have all the signs of ovulation just being on my Metformin so that is great! Just having to keep positive thoughts going and we will get through this journey.

We are so blessed to have all our amazing friends and family. The support that has been pouring out is truly amazing and greatly appreciated. What we have learned thus far through the journey is we need to talk to each other more. You never know who might have had the same struggles as you or who may have the one thing to say that will give you hope. Marc and I are choosing to let this journey bring us closer together as a couple, bring our families closer together and open our eyes to who really do care about us and who we can just let go of. We are learning a lot and will continue to learn a lot through our journey. I couldn't have asked for a better guy to go through it with......this is true love!

Struggling to understand why.......

Today has been the hardest day of my journey so far. I found out today round 3 of the Clomid didn't work. What made this time worse than the others is my period was almost 2 weeks late, I had signs of pregnancy and got my hopes up. (Which I know I shouldn't do) So to go from excitement for 2 weeks to udder devastation when I found out I wasn't pregnant was hard to say the least. Today is also the saddest I have been since the journey has begun. I just picked myself up out of bed with the sheets stained with tears. The reaction is unusual as well since I am not a big crier and to feel so sad is a hard emotion to know what to do with. I think I am so sad because I sometimes feel like it's my fault we don't have babies yet and I feel guilty that Marc is having to wait along side me while I struggle with my PCOS. He tells me often he does not feel that way at all and that this is a journey we are taking together, but I can't help but feel shitty about it sometimes. I just want to be a mom and have a happy healthy baby. I guess I just never thought it would be so hard.

It seems like everyone is asking about the baby-making and how it's going. People who don't know about my PCOS and are just asking because it's the logical thing to do after you are married for a year and a half right? It stabs me in the heart every time I have to say..."Kids? oh not yet...we are working on it." I have an even harder time with the people who do know about it and tell me "it will happen", "be patient", "stay positive". I know they are trying to be supportive, but right now I want to be sad about it, I don't want to be positive because it's really hard to be positive when the thing you are working hardest for isn't happening.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a next step and plan in place. We will be meeting with the fertility specialist as soon as she can get us in. I may still take the clomid, but there will be monitoring of my ovaries often and maybe injections that go along with it. I have not given up total hope, I am no where near that, but each month it's a negative test gets a little harder to handle. You would think it would get easier, but it doesn't. I am feeling positive about going to a specialist and doing some more invasive things than my doctor was doing. I don't want to waste anymore time........

REALLY?!?!?!?

I have decided to be extremely honest in this blog because I really can't help myself or others unless I do that. So with that I have to say it kills me to see people who are not ready (financially, emotionally etc) to have a baby just popping them out! I have a student who is 17 and has a 2 year old......he is by NO means ready for a baby...Friday I counted 3 pregnant girls walking around the hallways showing off their bellies like show-and-tell. IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!!!! It's not even just the teenagers...I can't stand seeing woman who are drug addicted, can't afford themselves let alone a child, violent, and prison bound having kids. I teach students who are the products of these woman and let me tell you...it is not fair to them to have to go through the crap they do, it's not fair to society for having to foot the bill and deal with their actions since 90% of the time these students will continue the cycle (although I try very hard to break that cycle) and really it's not fair that some of us who are ready and able to take care of children have to watch that crap happen. ( I know the last one is me being selfish/jealous/heartless, but SERIOUSLY it KILLS ME!) Not only do I have to see it on a daily basis at my job there are freaking shows about it.....TEEN MOM! REALLY? Although this show is a guilty pleasure of mine...I just don't get it! Oh and my favorite movie The Pregnancy Pact..are you FREAKING KIDDING ME! *taking a deep breath*

I know what you are thinking...."Her last blog was so positive." You're right it was and most of the time that is how I stay..Positive. However, I am only human and have moments where I just want to explode. While we are on the subject of things that make me want to explode...let's talk about how everyone asks, "How is the baby-maiking coming?" WELL....if I had good news don't you think I would share it with you?! I MEAN REALLY!!!!!!! Now don't get me wrong I love our family and friends, but having to answer the same question over and over again makes me want to vomit. I try not to let it consume my every thought, but when people keep asking it makes that VERY difficult! I promise when I have good news I will tell you! That's usually my response! On a positive note, having people ask makes me have to talk about it and that has helped me become more comfortable with really what is going on and has driven my desire to help/inspire other woman who are going through this with me!

I am blessed to have such an amazing man in my life who is going through this journey with me. He is very understanding of my fear and anxiety and helps me through it each step of the way and for that I am forever greatful. He wants to have a happy healthy family as much as I do and we will be in this journey together until the end! I love you Marc!

Until next time...remember we are all human and can only handle so much before we explode so write about it...talk about it...share it! We all need a safe place to handle what comes to us so we can come out on top! Here's to working hard and being proud of the outcome!

Welcome Note

My life has greatly changed since the day I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I have wanted to write about my experience for a while now since it has been helpful for me to read about other people who are going through the same thing. I want to be able to help others who are expereincing PCOS with me and educate woman so they will go and get checked.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female endocrine disorder, affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple tissues and organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin. It can be diagnosed in all phases of life in girls as young as 8-9 years of age, up through post-menopause. The symptoms of PCOS include, but are not limited to the following: irregular or no menstrual periods, acne, obesity/weight gain/inability to lose weight, breathing problems while sleeping, depression, oily skin, infertility, skin discolorations, high cholesterol levels, elevated blood pressure, excess or abnormal hair growth and distribution, pain in the lower abdomen and pelvis, multiple ovarian cysts, skin tags.(PCOSsupport2009)

When I found out I had PCOS there were many emotions I felt. Relief: I was glad I finally knew what was causing the things in my life that were uncomfortable. (my weight, acne, anxiety, my inability to get pregnant etc) Anger: I wish the doctors would have found it earlier so I could have started to take care of it earlier. Anxiety: I really want a family and was anxious to see if it could happen. They started me on Metformin which is a drug that is used for people with diabetes. This helps with my insulin problem...it also has helped me lose 15 pounds, get rid of most of my acne and help my anxiety go away. Really this is a miracle drug! The second medication I am on is Clomid. This is to help induce ovulation so I can become pregnant. I am on round 3.....

My Clomid journey started off easy...on 50mg I was fine, no side effects. Since the first 2 rounds didn't work they increased my meds to 100mg. Holy side effects Batman. I am an emotional roller coaster. I cry at the drop of a hat (which is so outside my character neither my husband nor I really know how to handle it) I have vivid, scary nightmares and hot flashes to boot. I am hoping all the side effects are worth it and the Clomid is successful. I can only take Clomid for 6 rounds at a time and if that doesn't work we will have to go to the next step....surgery.

How has my life changed? My husband and I have had to grow up and talk about EVERYTHING! Nothing makes us uncomfortable anymore. It has brought us closer together as this journey is emotional for both of us. We have begun to enjoy life together more; we spend more time as a couple and continue to travel and explore. We have decided not to put our lives on hold; we have to continue to live and enjoy the process. My outlook on my career has changed. For the first time ever I have decided I want to put all my effort into having a happy healthy family and not always work. I don’t want to spend every waking moment at work, thinking about work, or working to improve work. I love what I do, am happy where I am and it is conducive to raising a family. So for now I am set.

I am going to keep blogging as things come up to help myself get through it, but also to help others who are struggling with PCOS right along with me. I hope to educate and inspire others to live their lives and enjoy what they have!

Until next time....Live life to its fullest!