The most amazing sound in the world!

I am getting used to the idea that I am actually pregnant. As I mentioned in my last blog I was nervous about loosing the baby or something going wrong and to a certain point I still am, but after our last ultra sound I can't help but to be full of smiles and happy tears. We went in last Wednesday for our second ultra sound. I was so anxious going in hoping the baby had grown and it didn't just stay a yoke and sac. I had to close my eyes when the doctor first started. When I opened them I saw the most beautiful thing in the world. OUR LITTLE BEAN!!! He/She measured at 6 weeks 3 days and the doctor said they look perfect. I couldn't have been happier, or so I thought. The doctor then said "let's see if we can hear a heartbeat." Sure enough we could....130BPM....the most AMAZING sound in the world. We were all in tears. At that moment I fell in love. I didn't know you could love something so small. What a magical moment for Marc and I. After a long time of wondering if we could even get pregnant, being able to hear the heartbeat...there is nothing better than that! I have read that once you hear the heartbeat the likelihood of a miscarriage is quite small. That makes me very happy! I decided since this last ultra sound went so well we can start planning for the baby. I have decided to stay in the mindset that this little miracle will join us in the world in December. No more worried thoughts about loosing them.

Now being pregnant is well...interesting. Somethings I have experienced are: heartburn, nausea (almost like being hung over) vivd dreams and my favorite mood swings. Not feeling good is hard and as much as I know it will all be worth it in the end it is still hard in the moment. It gets to be frustrating that not only do you not feel good, but nothing helps. That tends to turn into tears and being emotional which usually triggers a mood swing. haha I have been crying a lot which is weird. I had a student actually hurt my feelings the other day. I really need to get that under wraps because I can't do my job well and care what the students say. I have had to find a way to take a minute, cry and then go back to what I was doing. Of all the symptoms the mood swings are the hardest to adjust to. Again, I know it will all be worth it, but it's hard in the moment.

I have also realized that not only is this baby going to effect us, but it's effecting our family. In a good way of course. It's just kind of funny to see how excited they all get, it's so nice to have a supportive family. I do worry a little that during the first couple of weeks when the baby is born, I will want to bond, but everyone else is going to want to be around too. I am not sure yet how I am going to handle that, but I feel like I need to make a plan. The hard part is mixing both Marc's family and my own. Obviously I have a different relationship with my family than his and have ideas of who I would want around, but will have to make some compromises for Marc. It's hard because Marc and I have such different ideas of what should happen the first few weeks after the baby is born (or right after in the hospital) that I am sure it will be a continued conversation all the way up to the day I give birth. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy all of the support, I just don't want to be smothered. I enjoy time to myself and know I will want time just my little family and hope that people can be respectful of that and not have their feelings hurt. I have a track record of being the cause of some issues with Marc's family when it comes to stuff like this. I don't ever mean to cause issues, but I see things differently and when it all comes down to it the issues come from a lack of communication. What I have learned over the years is to be the person who communicates with Marc's family instead of letting him do it in situations like thise ask it seems things tend to get lost or misunderstood in the conversation with Marc. (hence where the issues come from). Now for anyone reading this in my family or Marc's this paragraph is in no way meant to be disrespectful or mean, it's merely a way for me to express some of the things we have to deal with becoming new parents. Please do not take it any other way.

Marc and I are ecstatic to become parents. We have started talking about the room and maternity leave and names. I can't wait to share my journey with you along the way.

XOXO ~Jess

The new journey begins

I was asked by several people if I would be documenting my pregnancy like I did for my TTC journey and I absolutely will. It's amazing that everyone is supportive of these blogs and more people read them than I thought. Really the blogging started and it's main reason continues to be a way to express what I am feeling. It can be challenging talking to other people as they don't know what I am going through, how it feels or how to react to me when I do talk about it, but I am honored that so many people read this and follow my journey. I hope it helps some of you get through the hard times as well.

Let's see. I found out I was pregnant March 21, 2012. My last blog has that fun story. :) We were thinking I was about 4 weeks pregnant when I found out. Two weeks later, April 4, 2012 I went in for an ultra sound.Mind you I was freaking out! I have had some spotting, and frankly since I have never been pregnant before and have struggled to even get to this day every ache, pain, sign freaked me out! My husband struggles to understand why I get so nervous. He is super positive everything will go well. As I mentioned in my last blog I think I just know too much about the process. I'm over educated and I don't really like it. Any who, we go in for the ultra sound and I mention to my doctor I ovulate very late in my cycle. She said based on when I might have ovulated I am actually only 5 weeks pregnant instead of the 6 we thought we were. This was good since when she did the ultra sound she said she could see the sack and yoke, but no baby yet. When that came out of her mouth I about passed out. She said not to worry, the baby is measuring at 5 weeks 2 days which with my ovulation would be just about right and you don't usually see the baby until at least 6 weeks. This would also explain why my HCG numbers were lower at the beginning, because I wasn't "as  pregnant" as we thought. She said everything looked good and not to worry. Then she giggled and told me she knows me better than that, but she really wants me to try. Yea, OKAY!

I am super excited that we are pregnant and the more I think about it the more positive I stay. The doctor said for how far along we are it looks good, my ovaries look good and there is no blood to be concerned about. The fact that I am tired, have had some heartburn and other pregnancy symptoms is a good sign. If I miscarry it's because there is something wrong with the baby and not me. I have no more of a chance to miscarry than anyone else, so I really am staying positive. I can't wait to go in next week and see how the baby has grown. Fingers crossed everything is ok.....I am sure hoping it will be! Our new due date is December 4, 2012


When I go next week I will make sure to update everyone. Please keep your thoughts and prayers coming. The Henderson's very much appreciate it!

Holy Crap....That actually happened.

As most of you know Marc and I found out we are PREGNANT!!!! I just wanted to blog about really how it went down and really how big of a miracle it actually is.

Ok, after a 9 month (I said 6 in my last blog, but my math isn't so good. LOL) break Marc and I decided to head back to our RE and jump on the bandwagon. While there we were diagnosed with unknown reasons for infertility since our labs are good and my PCOS does not effect me as much as it could. ANY WHO...we decided to do IVF. This means 12 weeks of drugs and the procedure in June.

Here we are waiting for my cycle to start so we can get jumping on this wagon. Since I knew once I started the medication I couldn't drink, I spent the next few weeks having a hell of a time! Marc and I just enjoyed each minute together and had a ton of fun! ;) Well the week my cycle was supposed to start it didn't. Of course it didn't....why would it start the one time I wanted it to? I called my doctor and she said we should wait until Friday (a week after I probably should have started) and if my cycle hadn't started by then they would give me something. OK, now I am waiting an entire week...HOLY CRAP...are you kidding me! We all know I HATE waiting!!! So I am talking to my mom on the phone that night and she said "Wouldn't it be funny if you were pregnant?" REALLY MOM....we have tried for 2 1/2 years WITH medical interventions and that hasn't gotten it done, I KNOW we can't do it on our own....she just laughed. Now mind you Marc and I have already taken out the loan for our IVF. So the next morning I wake up and like anyone who has been TTC for a while, I have tons of pregnancy tests just chilling in my bathroom. Something told me I should take one. So...before I took a shower I took a test. Then I looked at it and swore I saw a line....but how could there be a second line? This is not possible! NO FREAKING WAY!!! So I took a shower and came back, sure enough there was a faint line. I about shit my pants. NO KIDDING.....I started screaming for Marc to come upstairs. At first he didn't see the line then when I moved the test he did!!! The line was so faint  we didn't want to get our hopes up. I went to work and showed a few people (who I would trust with my life) the picture....OF COURSE I TOOK A PICTURE OF IT! I TAKE PICTURES OF EVERYTHING!!!!! They were all pretty certain there was a line. FREAKING OUT I called my doctor and set up a blood test. I went home at lunch and took a digital test just to make sure. Sure enough....PREGNANT!!! Now I was really freaking out! I texted my husband the picture and I think it was at that moment this whole thing became real for us!

I head to the doctor in shock. They took my blood and told me I have to wait until the next day to find out my results....it was the longest 24 hours of my life! They call me the next day and tell me the test is positive, but my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) is only a 23 which is kind of low. SO, I had to go back Monday morning for another test. All weekend, every symptom, sign, anything I was convinced was something bad...or was it? It was like I was f'ing with my own head. Being calm after so long of negative experiences when TTC is hard to say the least. So I go in Monday morning and they draw my blood. I wait and wait all day for a call. Finally at 4:30 I called myself, but the office was closed (which I knew) Not even 5 minutes later they call. My HCG had jumped to the 300's. YAY This was the moment I knew it was all real. We really are pregnant!!!!!! (So of course it had to be posted on Facebook haha)

Now don't get me wrong I am only about 5 weeks pregnant. I still have fears of miscarrying and other things going wrong. I think that comes from knowing too much about infertility and whatever else. It's nice to be educated, but there is something to be said about ignorance is bliss. This morning I had some spotting of dark blood and some cramping..obviously I FREAKED OUT!!! My doctor called me to set up our first ultra sound and when I mentioned that to her she told me it wasn't something to be too concerned about...it happens with a lot of people...let's just see how the ultra sound goes. That all put me at ease which is good.

I am still wrapping my head around the fact that I am pregnant. I have been blessed with a miracle! Who would have thought we could have done this naturally. I am a true believer all the positive thoughts and prayers we received from all of you helped in achieving this miracle. If you don't mind could you continue such things as we head through this pregnancy? We are very appreciate of all the love we have received. Our friends and family are amazing, I am fortunate to have the best doctors in the world and my husband is beyond words! I promise to keep everyone updated on our journey! Here's to a happy and healthy next 9 months and a beautiful baby at the end!!!!!!

The waiting is killing me

So now that Marc and I have made the decision to do IVF it seems as though the thing we are waiting for to get started is taking it's sweet ass time. I mean really, every month for 2 years I have been hoping not to get it and to be pregnant. The one month I need it to start before we can move forward in our journey it's not here! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!!!! We all know I am not the most patient person as it is and to know this is what we are waiting for to go forward with the one thing we are most excited about, it's KILLING ME!!!!! This whole infertility process is a waiting game, has been for 2 years.... I am just so ready for it to be over!!!!!

I also struggle with how to feel about the whole process. I mean, do I stay positive and think it's going to work only to be that much more disappointed if it doesn't or do I stay skeptical and not be as upset if it doesn't? I feel much different about the IVF cycle considering the percentage our doctor gave us...I am much more positive, in fact I am just making plans as if it is going to work, but I still get a little nervous....the unknown is a scary thing.

You know what does rock though? My family and friends! I know I say that in every blog, but seriously they are amazing. I am very much looking forward to spring break and all the lunch dates I have planned and the time I get to spend with all of them. This journey would be much  worse with out all the amazing love and support I have gotten. Life is pretty amazing....now if this process could just speed up a tad bit I would be very happy!

Reactions to IVF

Isn't it crazy that one decision, one moment in time, one conversation can change the whole course of your life? That's exactly how I feel with deciding to move forward with IVF. The ink is on paper for the doctors office, the loan is processing through as we have been qualified and the magic is off and running. I think the reason it is so life altering for me is because I have a strong feeling this is going to work. To be honest with you, I did not have these feelings when TTC on clomid and/or doing the IUI's. I was very skeptical that those would work, knowing deep down (pretty sure) they weren't going to help. I don't have that with the IVF. I am in a really good place, I feel fantastic and I am super positive about the experience and journey we are about to embark on. You know when you just know things are going to go well? That is how I am feeling about the IVF. The last time I had this feeling was when I met Marc. I knew from day one that he was going to be in my life forever. That worked out, so I am hopeful this will as well.

The reactions from my friends and family have been amazing, kind of overwhelming. I knew everyone was holding good thoughts for us and wanting us to succeed in our journey. What I was not prepared for was the truly emotional reactions and deepest love I received from many of my friends and family. It really opened my eyes that decisions like this not only effect us, but those around us. It also proves the fact that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have people in my life that care so deeply about me! It truly moving and brings me to tears that others can love so deeply. To each of you, I want you to know I love you and cherish each moment we have together and am so thankful to have you here for this journey.

I can't believe how relaxed I am.....I mean starting 2 years ago when we began the TTC journey I think I have been wound up pretty tight, not sleeping very well and always pretty anxious wanting to become a mom. I would cry at the drop of a hat, or the mention of babies and the conversation of why we don't have any yet. It has been a very long, stressful, emotional CRAZY CONFUSING 2 years. Although we are not yet pregnant, I am much more relaxed and excited about our jounrney. We have a plan, one I am confident in and it's all about waiting at this point. In the past few days since we have made this decision I am sleeping like a rock and sleeping in way past what I normally am capable of. I truly believe I am at peace with our journey and I can relax for a while. It is much needed. I am in a much better mood and am enjoying things just that much more! It has put life into perspective and I am unwilling to waste energy on people or things that are not positive in my life. All I care about is enjoying this time an becoming a mommy.

I am so thankful to have Marc on this journey with me. He has been the most supportive, amazing, loving man through this whole process. I know us struggling to conceive is not any easier for him than me and I know it isn't easy for him to see me so upset, but he has been a trooper. I couldn't imagine going through this very painful experience with out him by my side. I love Marc more each day and am truly blessed to have such a strong and amazing man in my life.

I will continue to blog about my journey as it is very therapeutic for me and an easy way to get all the information out. I am looking forward to seeing what the next year brings for the Henderson family!

IVF it is!

I had both my OBGYN and RE appointments today. Nothing like getting it all out of the way in one day, right!?

The baby dust I take with me. Got it from a dear friend!

The OBGYN went fine. As to be expected. The RE didn't go like I thought it was going to. We met with my RE to decide what our next steps are going to be. I walked in thinking we would change the drugs I was taking to induce ovulation and do another IUI. Well, walking in she told us she was concerned that we were not pregnant yet. According to her 80% of people with PCOS and the labs we have should have been pregnant by now. GREAT!!!!! So now we are labeled under the "unknown" reason for infertility. COOL!! She started off by telling us that if we do another round of IUI we would have a 15% chance of getting pregnant, but that after 3 rounds of IUI's they recommend IVF. Guess what the chance of pregnancy with IVF is for us with the labs we have......75-80%. HOLY CRAP!!!! The draw back you ask.....MONEY!!! It's a shit ton of money. The only reason the RE could come up with that we aren't pregnant yet is because the sperm and eggs are not being able to connect and  IVF will take care of that. It's a lot to think about. We can get it financed and pay some of it ourselves, but it's a lot of money..........

Here's the thing....We REALLY want to be parents and if we didn't spend the money on this we would spend it on something else. It is absolutely worth it to us to have the IVF and become parents. With this there is a timeline and something we can feel positive about and look forward to....SO.....we have decided to do IVF!!!!! WOW!!!!! It's real...it's really going to happen! I guess I just sort of thought it wouldn't have to get to IVF, but we are lucky we can make it happen. It may be the only way we can get pregnant.



I will begin drugs/shots/whatever else for 12 weeks once my cycle starts. Then, in the 2nd week of June we will do an egg retrieval and then an implantation. Everything is done in my RE's office and she is very enthusiastic that it will work. Although the money is large and may take time to recover from, it will all be worth it when we can hold our baby (or babies...apparently there is a 50% chance of twins) in our arms and further our family like we have always wanted. Now we can be part of  TEAM 2013! :)

This is truly a scary time and I have a lot of anxiety about if it doesn't work or the amount of money it will take, but I keep thinking that if we don't take the chance and believe it will work we will regret it forever. I am just so happy we have such supportive and loving friends and family that are here for us. We love each and everyone of you! Please keep us in your thoughts...we can use all the good vibes we can get!

Getting Pretty Excited

My sister-in-law Tracey and myself

It's been a month since I have last written and there are some exciting things on the horizon. First, all the looking deeper in myself and making changes I talked about in my last blog has been going well. It's amazing how when you look really deep in yourself what you find. Although, I did loose a friend, I have gained so many more and strengthened the ones I have. My relationship with my family is even more amazing now than it always has been and my relationship with my in-laws, especially my sister-in-law who has struggled along with me to have a positive relationship together, is dramatically improving with each moment. It is so much nicer to be in a good place and enjoy the memories we are making together as a family. I really do love all of them! My relationship with my husband is better than ever and I am feeling great about myself physically, mentally and spiritually. It has not been an easy thing to do and will continue to be something I work on each day, but it has truly made my life better. It's defiantly the silver lining to a situation that started off poorly.

This weekend was my husband's birthday. We had the most amazing time.  We spent some quality time together and got to see all of our friends. The party last night was the most fun we have had in a long time. Unlike other parties we have had or experiences we have been a part of last night was nothing but fun! Everyone was in great spirits and there was absolutely NO drama.  I am telling you life is changing and it's doing so for the better. I can't wait to see what comes next for us!

My husband, brother and myself @ Mar'c party

The only bummer of the weekend was I started AF, which we all know BLOWS, BUT I am kind of excited because that means the beginning of my next cycle, we are jumping back on the TTC bandwagon! I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!! Marc and I are in an amazing place with everything. We have had a long while to discuss and think about what we want our next steps to be and how we are feeling about all of it. We have decided to continue with a few more IUI's with requests for some different steps. I would like to take the shots instead of Clomid to induce ovulation. Although there is more risk for multiples, there is also a greater chance of getting pregnant and we are SO ready for that. I had someone tell me about when she did her IUI that was successful, her dr. did an ultrasound while it was happening to make sure everything was going where it was supposed to. I will also ask for this along with the possibility of doing 2 IUI's back to back to increase our chances.  I have a doctors appointment with my regular OBGYN to make sure everything is still looking good the first week of March, then we will start making our appointments with our RE. It's a pretty exciting time for us!!!!! Marc and I are ecstatic to get started again with TTC  and are high spirited and hopeful for a positive outcome and to be part of TEAM 2012.

I want to give a shout out to the ladies who have been recently diagnosed with PCOS and are going through the initial emotions and questions that can be so overwhelming. I have found out one of my friends recently got diagnosed with PCOS. It can be a very scary thing, but I want her to know I am here if she needs me and the symptoms and emotions get easier the more we learn about it. Although it's sucks to have PCOS I am glad to have you fighting the fight with us as a fellow Cyster. :)

I will ofcourse keep everyone updated on our journey. I will blog again after my doctors appointment in March. I can't say it enough.....THANK YOU for sticking with me and being supportive and the most amazing people to have in my life. I am appreciative of and blessed to have each and everyone of you in my life.

HERE'S TO TEAM 2012!!!!!!!

Taking a Deep Look

Well 2012 sure started off with a bang, not exactly the amazing, happy, awesome type of bang, but a bang none the less. It actually started off with the loss of a friendship, tension with other relationships and the decision to look deep inside myself to decide what is important to me and what I need to let go of. Wasn’t exactly the way I wanted 2012 to begin, however, I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I just needed to take some time to decide what the reason for this one was.


My whole life I have worn my emotions on my sleeve, I am very stubborn and often speak my mind. As you might be able to guess, at times this gets me in trouble. I also have all of these attributes when it comes to trying to conceive. There are days I am jealous of others for what I don’t have and can feel jaded for the mere fact that we are ready, financially stable and otherwise capable of being parents and I don’t always feel the same way about others who are bringing children into the world. It may have a lot to do with the fact that I spend 5 days a week with the product of such people having babies and although I love each of my students the lives they have had to endure is not fair to them and it tends to be a cycle that is difficult to break. Some may see this as jealousy and maybe it is, but how am I not supposed to be when this is the one thing in life I have always wanted and have yet to receive? Is all of this right of me? Probably not, but I am only human and there is no play book for how I am supposed to be handling this portion of my life. What I don’t think people understand is the true angst and heartbreak struggling to conceive brings each day of your life. It’s always in the back of your mind and there are situations that are harder to get through than others. All of this is where the loss of a friendship came into play. Although losing a friend is never easy, I am of the belief that people come into your life for a reason and people leave for a reason and at some point all of this will make sense.

On a lighter note, I have had some pretty amazing people come into my life  the first few weeks of 2012. I was blessed to be introduced to an amazing woman who also has PCOS and after years of trying has finally seen her dream of having a baby come true. Sitting with her this last weekend was exactly what I needed. She understands everything I am going through and has had some of the same struggles with friendships and other relationships. She is someone that I very much look up to and hope to continue to grow our friendship. I have also found a group of women to connect with who all have PCOS and are in different stages of their struggles. I get to meet face-to-face with them for lunch very soon. I am very excited to be able to sit and talk with them about all the struggles we face with PCOS.

With all of this I have spent the first part of the year deciding what is really important to me. It is important for me to continue to grow as a couple with Marc and focus on what will make each day better than the day before. It is important for me to start feeling better both mentally and physically. It is important to work on the meaningful friendships I already have and foster new ones with people that although don’t always agree with me are still willing to be supportive and vice versa. I have to let go of all the control I wish to have and open up to things that make me uncomfortable. In the end it will make me a better person. I am a very loyal and passionate person and this has made me even more that way refocusing it on what truly matters. I have begun my lifestyle change and so far so good. Here’s to the rest of 2012 having as positive of a change on my life as the first couple of weeks. TEAM 2012!!!!!!