Back to what I know

All the cousins and grandparents

This past week with family and friends was nothing less than amazing! The time I get to spend with the people I love is even sweeter knowing that the gift of life and family is truly a miracle. I hope everyone had a great holiday season and enjoys their new year.

The holidays were a tad bit harder for me this year. This time last year we were excited thinking  we would be parents and have a family by now. Well, as you all know that is not the case. It's pretty hard to wrap my head around why...why is this happening, why us? So I had a little break down. It was also about how I am feeling about myself. It's unfortunate that my PCOS has caused everything I have been teased or abused over; my acne, anxiety and weight. Although all three have gotten much better after being diagnosed and put on medication there are some days I still feel like shit about myself.

Christmas

Most of my family

Some of my extend family. See what I am up against? :)

members are tinny, same on Marc's side and it is very hard to always be the biggest one at family functions.  When I am feeling good about myself it seems as though that feeling gets kicked right out from under me. People (who are much smaller than myself) start talking about how they need to loose weight or continue to loose weight because they feel "fat". I understand that we all have body issues and things we want to work on, but feeling good about myself at the size I am and listening to others around me talk about how they don't feel good makes me feel like I shouldn't feel good either. I want to lie to you and tell you I am strong enough to feel awesome about myself and how I look no matter who I am around, but I'm not. That is something I have struggled with since I was in high school. When I do mention it to people and how it makes me upset I always get the "I don't know why you feel that way...you look great." or the "you have a lot stacked against you, it's not your fault plus you look great".  No matter if I have full control over it or not it doesn't feel good to be the giant of the function. So instead of talking about it I have resorted to walking away having a good cry and coming back. Selfish on my part? Probably, but at this point I don't know how else to handle it. I know my husband thinks I am beautiful and frankly that's all that matters, but it's still hard. Oh and a little hint; if you are speaking to someone who is struggling with their looks or weight the comment "you are beautiful, plus it's not all about looks" makes us want to punch you in the face. That's just your nice way of saying we aren't as good looking as everyone else. That my friends is extremely hurtful to listen to.

Our Family

So with all this crap in my head I have decided to start doing what I know makes me feel better.  Writing about my day EVERY DAY and meditation both when I get up and go to bed will be the beginning. I have used this technique to get through a lot of the extremely hard times in my life so I figure now would be as good of time as any to get back into the routine. I hate feeling depressed or bad about myself and the only persons who can change it is ME!!! So, you will probably be seeing a more consistent flow of blogs . I am like an open book!   HA HA Please feel free to ask questions if you have them. I would rather you ask than be all weird around me. So here's to starting a new routine that will allow me to feel good about myself and get through this shit storm that is PCOS.