Today has been the hardest day of my journey so far. I found out today round 3 of the Clomid didn't work. What made this time worse than the others is my period was almost 2 weeks late, I had signs of pregnancy and got my hopes up. (Which I know I shouldn't do) So to go from excitement for 2 weeks to udder devastation when I found out I wasn't pregnant was hard to say the least. Today is also the saddest I have been since the journey has begun. I just picked myself up out of bed with the sheets stained with tears. The reaction is unusual as well since I am not a big crier and to feel so sad is a hard emotion to know what to do with. I think I am so sad because I sometimes feel like it's my fault we don't have babies yet and I feel guilty that Marc is having to wait along side me while I struggle with my PCOS. He tells me often he does not feel that way at all and that this is a journey we are taking together, but I can't help but feel shitty about it sometimes. I just want to be a mom and have a happy healthy baby. I guess I just never thought it would be so hard.
It seems like everyone is asking about the baby-making and how it's going. People who don't know about my PCOS and are just asking because it's the logical thing to do after you are married for a year and a half right? It stabs me in the heart every time I have to say..."Kids? oh not yet...we are working on it." I have an even harder time with the people who do know about it and tell me "it will happen", "be patient", "stay positive". I know they are trying to be supportive, but right now I want to be sad about it, I don't want to be positive because it's really hard to be positive when the thing you are working hardest for isn't happening.
Anyone who knows me knows I have a next step and plan in place. We will be meeting with the fertility specialist as soon as she can get us in. I may still take the clomid, but there will be monitoring of my ovaries often and maybe injections that go along with it. I have not given up total hope, I am no where near that, but each month it's a negative test gets a little harder to handle. You would think it would get easier, but it doesn't. I am feeling positive about going to a specialist and doing some more invasive things than my doctor was doing. I don't want to waste anymore time........
The ups and downs of my journey with PCOS
About Me
- My journey with PCOS
- Aurora, Colorad, United States
- I was diagnosed with PCOS on November 23, 2010. The journey since has been nothing less than life changing.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
REALLY?!?!?!?
I have decided to be extremely honest in this blog because I really can't help myself or others unless I do that. So with that I have to say it kills me to see people who are not ready (financially, emotionally etc) to have a baby just popping them out! I have a student who is 17 and has a 2 year old......he is by NO means ready for a baby...Friday I counted 3 pregnant girls walking around the hallways showing off their bellies like show-and-tell. IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!!!! It's not even just the teenagers...I can't stand seeing woman who are drug addicted, can't afford themselves let alone a child, violent, and prison bound having kids. I teach students who are the products of these woman and let me tell you...it is not fair to them to have to go through the crap they do, it's not fair to society for having to foot the bill and deal with their actions since 90% of the time these students will continue the cycle (although I try very hard to break that cycle) and really it's not fair that some of us who are ready and able to take care of children have to watch that crap happen. ( I know the last one is me being selfish/jealous/heartless, but SERIOUSLY it KILLS ME!) Not only do I have to see it on a daily basis at my job there are freaking shows about it.....TEEN MOM! REALLY? Although this show is a guilty pleasure of mine...I just don't get it! Oh and my favorite movie The Pregnancy Pact..are you FREAKING KIDDING ME! *taking a deep breath*
I know what you are thinking...."Her last blog was so positive." You're right it was and most of the time that is how I stay..Positive. However, I am only human and have moments where I just want to explode. While we are on the subject of things that make me want to explode...let's talk about how everyone asks, "How is the baby-maiking coming?" WELL....if I had good news don't you think I would share it with you?! I MEAN REALLY!!!!!!! Now don't get me wrong I love our family and friends, but having to answer the same question over and over again makes me want to vomit. I try not to let it consume my every thought, but when people keep asking it makes that VERY difficult! I promise when I have good news I will tell you! That's usually my response! On a positive note, having people ask makes me have to talk about it and that has helped me become more comfortable with really what is going on and has driven my desire to help/inspire other woman who are going through this with me!
I am blessed to have such an amazing man in my life who is going through this journey with me. He is very understanding of my fear and anxiety and helps me through it each step of the way and for that I am forever greatful. He wants to have a happy healthy family as much as I do and we will be in this journey together until the end! I love you Marc!
Until next time...remember we are all human and can only handle so much before we explode so write about it...talk about it...share it! We all need a safe place to handle what comes to us so we can come out on top! Here's to working hard and being proud of the outcome!
I know what you are thinking...."Her last blog was so positive." You're right it was and most of the time that is how I stay..Positive. However, I am only human and have moments where I just want to explode. While we are on the subject of things that make me want to explode...let's talk about how everyone asks, "How is the baby-maiking coming?" WELL....if I had good news don't you think I would share it with you?! I MEAN REALLY!!!!!!! Now don't get me wrong I love our family and friends, but having to answer the same question over and over again makes me want to vomit. I try not to let it consume my every thought, but when people keep asking it makes that VERY difficult! I promise when I have good news I will tell you! That's usually my response! On a positive note, having people ask makes me have to talk about it and that has helped me become more comfortable with really what is going on and has driven my desire to help/inspire other woman who are going through this with me!
I am blessed to have such an amazing man in my life who is going through this journey with me. He is very understanding of my fear and anxiety and helps me through it each step of the way and for that I am forever greatful. He wants to have a happy healthy family as much as I do and we will be in this journey together until the end! I love you Marc!
Until next time...remember we are all human and can only handle so much before we explode so write about it...talk about it...share it! We all need a safe place to handle what comes to us so we can come out on top! Here's to working hard and being proud of the outcome!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Welcome Note
My life has greatly changed since the day I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I have wanted to write about my experience for a while now since it has been helpful for me to read about other people who are going through the same thing. I want to be able to help others who are expereincing PCOS with me and educate woman so they will go and get checked.
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female endocrine disorder, affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple tissues and organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin. It can be diagnosed in all phases of life in girls as young as 8-9 years of age, up through post-menopause. The symptoms of PCOS include, but are not limited to the following: irregular or no menstrual periods, acne, obesity/weight gain/inability to lose weight, breathing problems while sleeping, depression, oily skin, infertility, skin discolorations, high cholesterol levels, elevated blood pressure, excess or abnormal hair growth and distribution, pain in the lower abdomen and pelvis, multiple ovarian cysts, skin tags.(PCOSsupport2009)
When I found out I had PCOS there were many emotions I felt. Relief: I was glad I finally knew what was causing the things in my life that were uncomfortable. (my weight, acne, anxiety, my inability to get pregnant etc) Anger: I wish the doctors would have found it earlier so I could have started to take care of it earlier. Anxiety: I really want a family and was anxious to see if it could happen. They started me on Metformin which is a drug that is used for people with diabetes. This helps with my insulin problem...it also has helped me lose 15 pounds, get rid of most of my acne and help my anxiety go away. Really this is a miracle drug! The second medication I am on is Clomid. This is to help induce ovulation so I can become pregnant. I am on round 3.....
My Clomid journey started off easy...on 50mg I was fine, no side effects. Since the first 2 rounds didn't work they increased my meds to 100mg. Holy side effects Batman. I am an emotional roller coaster. I cry at the drop of a hat (which is so outside my character neither my husband nor I really know how to handle it) I have vivid, scary nightmares and hot flashes to boot. I am hoping all the side effects are worth it and the Clomid is successful. I can only take Clomid for 6 rounds at a time and if that doesn't work we will have to go to the next step....surgery.
How has my life changed? My husband and I have had to grow up and talk about EVERYTHING! Nothing makes us uncomfortable anymore. It has brought us closer together as this journey is emotional for both of us. We have begun to enjoy life together more; we spend more time as a couple and continue to travel and explore. We have decided not to put our lives on hold; we have to continue to live and enjoy the process. My outlook on my career has changed. For the first time ever I have decided I want to put all my effort into having a happy healthy family and not always work. I don’t want to spend every waking moment at work, thinking about work, or working to improve work. I love what I do, am happy where I am and it is conducive to raising a family. So for now I am set.
I am going to keep blogging as things come up to help myself get through it, but also to help others who are struggling with PCOS right along with me. I hope to educate and inspire others to live their lives and enjoy what they have!
Until next time....Live life to its fullest!
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female endocrine disorder, affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple tissues and organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin. It can be diagnosed in all phases of life in girls as young as 8-9 years of age, up through post-menopause. The symptoms of PCOS include, but are not limited to the following: irregular or no menstrual periods, acne, obesity/weight gain/inability to lose weight, breathing problems while sleeping, depression, oily skin, infertility, skin discolorations, high cholesterol levels, elevated blood pressure, excess or abnormal hair growth and distribution, pain in the lower abdomen and pelvis, multiple ovarian cysts, skin tags.(PCOSsupport2009)
When I found out I had PCOS there were many emotions I felt. Relief: I was glad I finally knew what was causing the things in my life that were uncomfortable. (my weight, acne, anxiety, my inability to get pregnant etc) Anger: I wish the doctors would have found it earlier so I could have started to take care of it earlier. Anxiety: I really want a family and was anxious to see if it could happen. They started me on Metformin which is a drug that is used for people with diabetes. This helps with my insulin problem...it also has helped me lose 15 pounds, get rid of most of my acne and help my anxiety go away. Really this is a miracle drug! The second medication I am on is Clomid. This is to help induce ovulation so I can become pregnant. I am on round 3.....
My Clomid journey started off easy...on 50mg I was fine, no side effects. Since the first 2 rounds didn't work they increased my meds to 100mg. Holy side effects Batman. I am an emotional roller coaster. I cry at the drop of a hat (which is so outside my character neither my husband nor I really know how to handle it) I have vivid, scary nightmares and hot flashes to boot. I am hoping all the side effects are worth it and the Clomid is successful. I can only take Clomid for 6 rounds at a time and if that doesn't work we will have to go to the next step....surgery.
How has my life changed? My husband and I have had to grow up and talk about EVERYTHING! Nothing makes us uncomfortable anymore. It has brought us closer together as this journey is emotional for both of us. We have begun to enjoy life together more; we spend more time as a couple and continue to travel and explore. We have decided not to put our lives on hold; we have to continue to live and enjoy the process. My outlook on my career has changed. For the first time ever I have decided I want to put all my effort into having a happy healthy family and not always work. I don’t want to spend every waking moment at work, thinking about work, or working to improve work. I love what I do, am happy where I am and it is conducive to raising a family. So for now I am set.
I am going to keep blogging as things come up to help myself get through it, but also to help others who are struggling with PCOS right along with me. I hope to educate and inspire others to live their lives and enjoy what they have!
Until next time....Live life to its fullest!
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