TEAM 2012

As the new year is only hours away, I sit and think to myself what 2011 brought us. For the most part I cannot complain; Marc & I are madly in love and continue to build the strength of our marriage, my family and friends are healthy and for the most part happy, a life changing event intruded into my family but we all came out on the other side closer than ever and we got to travel to amazing places and see some of the people we love the most. On the other hand 2011 brought us, 4 failed tries with Clomid, 6 failed tries of conceiving naturally and 2 failed IUIs..with that came heartbreak, tears and the most raw emotions one can feel. Looking back I would say the good out weighed the bad, but it was sure a tough year to get through.

I would like to become part of Team 2012. This will consist of couples who for the first time, or struggling for another, will get their positive pregnancy test and find the joy in their hearts they have been spending all these years looking for. Plus, Team 2012 just has a cool ring to it. :) If I do become part of Team 2012 I will be making everyone t-shirts so be prepared!  That is my dream....my goal.....my everything I will be focusing 2012 on. I am working on myself, my stress level and my emotional state to have everything I can working in my favor!

With this new year I am also wondering how I should be feeling about this whole situation. One of the greatest struggles I have had through this whole journey is how I should feel. I have felt guilt, anger, sadness, resentment and REALLY PISSED OFF!!! But what I am wondering is how should I feel before each month when we try? Should I be positive thinking it could happen, this may be our time, only to have to pick up the pieces of sheer devastation when we aren't....OR.....do I have a negative Nancy attitude knowing it won't work therefore not needing to pick myself up each time it doesn't happen? I try not to share my emotions with people for the fear that they think I want the attention or that I am whining (see this blog rocks because you read it....no one made you..lol) but this journey is a huge part of my life, I mean we are talking about my family here. Isn't that a huge part of your life? So with this new year I hope to figure out how to feel, or what to feel.


Also with 2012 I would like to be less cynical when it comes to others having babies, but since technically it's still 2011 I would like to have my last interjection. Today I found out about 2 couples who are either expecting or had a child who in my mind should not be parents. I am not going to list the reason why I feel this way, just trust me. However, if that really is the future of our country I would say my job is safe!!! hahaha Ok, now on to a better attitude for 2012.

I really enjoy writing these blogs because whether someone reads them or not they make me feel better. It's better to have these thoughts out then have them just roaming around my head. They do bad things when they are up there. :)

I just want to once again say thank you for all the love, support and understanding we have gotten. Here's to TEAM 2012!  Happy New Year! Love you guys!

Back to what I know

All the cousins and grandparents

This past week with family and friends was nothing less than amazing! The time I get to spend with the people I love is even sweeter knowing that the gift of life and family is truly a miracle. I hope everyone had a great holiday season and enjoys their new year.

The holidays were a tad bit harder for me this year. This time last year we were excited thinking  we would be parents and have a family by now. Well, as you all know that is not the case. It's pretty hard to wrap my head around why...why is this happening, why us? So I had a little break down. It was also about how I am feeling about myself. It's unfortunate that my PCOS has caused everything I have been teased or abused over; my acne, anxiety and weight. Although all three have gotten much better after being diagnosed and put on medication there are some days I still feel like shit about myself.

Christmas

Most of my family

Some of my extend family. See what I am up against? :)

members are tinny, same on Marc's side and it is very hard to always be the biggest one at family functions.  When I am feeling good about myself it seems as though that feeling gets kicked right out from under me. People (who are much smaller than myself) start talking about how they need to loose weight or continue to loose weight because they feel "fat". I understand that we all have body issues and things we want to work on, but feeling good about myself at the size I am and listening to others around me talk about how they don't feel good makes me feel like I shouldn't feel good either. I want to lie to you and tell you I am strong enough to feel awesome about myself and how I look no matter who I am around, but I'm not. That is something I have struggled with since I was in high school. When I do mention it to people and how it makes me upset I always get the "I don't know why you feel that way...you look great." or the "you have a lot stacked against you, it's not your fault plus you look great".  No matter if I have full control over it or not it doesn't feel good to be the giant of the function. So instead of talking about it I have resorted to walking away having a good cry and coming back. Selfish on my part? Probably, but at this point I don't know how else to handle it. I know my husband thinks I am beautiful and frankly that's all that matters, but it's still hard. Oh and a little hint; if you are speaking to someone who is struggling with their looks or weight the comment "you are beautiful, plus it's not all about looks" makes us want to punch you in the face. That's just your nice way of saying we aren't as good looking as everyone else. That my friends is extremely hurtful to listen to.

Our Family

So with all this crap in my head I have decided to start doing what I know makes me feel better.  Writing about my day EVERY DAY and meditation both when I get up and go to bed will be the beginning. I have used this technique to get through a lot of the extremely hard times in my life so I figure now would be as good of time as any to get back into the routine. I hate feeling depressed or bad about myself and the only persons who can change it is ME!!! So, you will probably be seeing a more consistent flow of blogs . I am like an open book!   HA HA Please feel free to ask questions if you have them. I would rather you ask than be all weird around me. So here's to starting a new routine that will allow me to feel good about myself and get through this shit storm that is PCOS.

6 months later. The hardest thing about infertility.

It's been 6 months since I have written a blog. I have done a lot of vlogging, but for this topic I felt it more appropriate to write about. So here we go.......

What has happened in the last 6 months? I thought dealing with the pain of not getting pregnant would get easier especially since we are on a break. This is just not true. Although it's not a consistent worry like when you are trying some days are easier than others. Putting on a brave face and being around people who have had the miracle of a baby has brought two very deep emotions. Somedays I feel absolute joy being around them knowing that all the tears and heartbreak will be worth it some day, however, somedays it brings the deepest pain one can feel. It's a fine line I walk. No matter how close I am to the person and how truly happy I am for them, it can still be a struggle. I feel guilty having this emotion considering some of my very best friends are effected by it. I never want them to think they need to hide their happiness, or their babies for that matter, I just want them to know it is something I work on everyday.

I have found the hardest part of infertility is suffering in silence. There are nights when I just cry, uncontrollably cry. I do it at times when I am alone, not wanting my sadness to effect those around me. It's not really baggage I can take to work with me....it's not really baggage I can talk with my family or friends with since none of them know really what I am going through or how excruciating the pain is.....as much as I love my husband and want to share with him, I don't want him to know it hurts more days than it doesn't. People are so sweet and always tell me they are here if I need them, but it's not really something a conversation is going to fix. All the advice in the world and people telling me to relax won't help me get pregnant.

I want to be a mom more than anything. I yern to have a little one in my arms and to extend our family. I am in no way looking for sympathy, but the writing process helps me cope and I have had multiple requests for a baby-making update. So, here ya go.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love that keeps coming our way!