6 months later. The hardest thing about infertility.

It's been 6 months since I have written a blog. I have done a lot of vlogging, but for this topic I felt it more appropriate to write about. So here we go.......

What has happened in the last 6 months? I thought dealing with the pain of not getting pregnant would get easier especially since we are on a break. This is just not true. Although it's not a consistent worry like when you are trying some days are easier than others. Putting on a brave face and being around people who have had the miracle of a baby has brought two very deep emotions. Somedays I feel absolute joy being around them knowing that all the tears and heartbreak will be worth it some day, however, somedays it brings the deepest pain one can feel. It's a fine line I walk. No matter how close I am to the person and how truly happy I am for them, it can still be a struggle. I feel guilty having this emotion considering some of my very best friends are effected by it. I never want them to think they need to hide their happiness, or their babies for that matter, I just want them to know it is something I work on everyday.

I have found the hardest part of infertility is suffering in silence. There are nights when I just cry, uncontrollably cry. I do it at times when I am alone, not wanting my sadness to effect those around me. It's not really baggage I can take to work with me....it's not really baggage I can talk with my family or friends with since none of them know really what I am going through or how excruciating the pain is.....as much as I love my husband and want to share with him, I don't want him to know it hurts more days than it doesn't. People are so sweet and always tell me they are here if I need them, but it's not really something a conversation is going to fix. All the advice in the world and people telling me to relax won't help me get pregnant.

I want to be a mom more than anything. I yern to have a little one in my arms and to extend our family. I am in no way looking for sympathy, but the writing process helps me cope and I have had multiple requests for a baby-making update. So, here ya go.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love that keeps coming our way!