Taking a Deep Look

Well 2012 sure started off with a bang, not exactly the amazing, happy, awesome type of bang, but a bang none the less. It actually started off with the loss of a friendship, tension with other relationships and the decision to look deep inside myself to decide what is important to me and what I need to let go of. Wasn’t exactly the way I wanted 2012 to begin, however, I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I just needed to take some time to decide what the reason for this one was.


My whole life I have worn my emotions on my sleeve, I am very stubborn and often speak my mind. As you might be able to guess, at times this gets me in trouble. I also have all of these attributes when it comes to trying to conceive. There are days I am jealous of others for what I don’t have and can feel jaded for the mere fact that we are ready, financially stable and otherwise capable of being parents and I don’t always feel the same way about others who are bringing children into the world. It may have a lot to do with the fact that I spend 5 days a week with the product of such people having babies and although I love each of my students the lives they have had to endure is not fair to them and it tends to be a cycle that is difficult to break. Some may see this as jealousy and maybe it is, but how am I not supposed to be when this is the one thing in life I have always wanted and have yet to receive? Is all of this right of me? Probably not, but I am only human and there is no play book for how I am supposed to be handling this portion of my life. What I don’t think people understand is the true angst and heartbreak struggling to conceive brings each day of your life. It’s always in the back of your mind and there are situations that are harder to get through than others. All of this is where the loss of a friendship came into play. Although losing a friend is never easy, I am of the belief that people come into your life for a reason and people leave for a reason and at some point all of this will make sense.

On a lighter note, I have had some pretty amazing people come into my life  the first few weeks of 2012. I was blessed to be introduced to an amazing woman who also has PCOS and after years of trying has finally seen her dream of having a baby come true. Sitting with her this last weekend was exactly what I needed. She understands everything I am going through and has had some of the same struggles with friendships and other relationships. She is someone that I very much look up to and hope to continue to grow our friendship. I have also found a group of women to connect with who all have PCOS and are in different stages of their struggles. I get to meet face-to-face with them for lunch very soon. I am very excited to be able to sit and talk with them about all the struggles we face with PCOS.

With all of this I have spent the first part of the year deciding what is really important to me. It is important for me to continue to grow as a couple with Marc and focus on what will make each day better than the day before. It is important for me to start feeling better both mentally and physically. It is important to work on the meaningful friendships I already have and foster new ones with people that although don’t always agree with me are still willing to be supportive and vice versa. I have to let go of all the control I wish to have and open up to things that make me uncomfortable. In the end it will make me a better person. I am a very loyal and passionate person and this has made me even more that way refocusing it on what truly matters. I have begun my lifestyle change and so far so good. Here’s to the rest of 2012 having as positive of a change on my life as the first couple of weeks. TEAM 2012!!!!!!