Could it be more confusing please!?

After my last post my Dr.'s office called back and told me I wasn't due for my period until the 25th or 26th because of when I ovulated and that if I was just spotting (which I was) it could be implantation bleeding. I was in a much better mood then thinking I might actually still be pregnant. So I had very light spotting from Wednesday on. The color was pinkish or brown (which is what color implantation bleeding is supposed to be) and very light. I was pretty much excited and convinced I was pregnant. Well.....then this morning I woke up and there was quite a bit more blood and it was red, not brown or pink. DAMN IT!!!! So I took a pregnancy test, just to make sure I am not crazy and guess what....it was negative like every other one I have taken. I sort of figured. It's because I was getting excited.....I even made the mistake of telling some people I was maybe a little more excited and then researching when I would be due etc. DUMB ME!!! This happens every time...I get excited and then BOOM....my period starts! Great. Now what I am really concerned about is why I started spotting so early and that means my luteal phase (the phase post ovulation to your next period) is short which is not good! THIS SUCKS!!!!! So tomorrow I will be calling the doctor and hopefully going in. I don't want to miss my shot at taking the drugs and starting the IUI process all over again. I already gave myself a day on Wednesday when I first started spotting to feel shitty and sad so I will not do that today. Maybe a little pissy, but really how is that going to help anything? It's not going to change the fact that I am not pregnant and it's really just annoying! So, we have a game plan...doctor tomorrow and another round of IUI...hopefully a more successful round.

So much for my 2 week wait!

So much for my two week wait! I was super grumpy last night and couldn’t figure out why. I also had some pain in my legs (which usually means cramps) but I ignored it since I thought it would be at least 2 weeks before my period would even start. Well I was wrong. I should have known….with my cramps in my legs, my piss poor attitude and the little amount of acne on my face…all signs of my period coming! The funniest part is last night I told Marc if I am not pregnant this round I want another puppy. So when I went to the bathroom this morning I came out and told him “I guess we are getting a another puppy!” I held the tears in for almost 5 minutes then just broke down. Marc held me and was obviously sad, but being very supportive. When he left for work the “ugly cry” came out. I was uncontrollable. I just kept thinking this isn’t fair what did I do to deserve this? Also, I feel bad for Marc because the reason we are struggling has everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. How can I not feel guilty about that? He continues to assure me it’s not my fault, but it’s really hard not to feel like it is. Needless to say I am in a shitty mood today. It’s really good I only have 3 days of work left because today I just wanted to curl up on my couch and cry……


I am not sure why I had this reaction because I had prepared myself (or thought I did) for this outcome. I only had one follicle and Marc’s count wasn’t so high when we did the IUI. Also, I had ovulated from my left side which is the side more effected by my PCOS and sits on top of my uterus, plus from all the research I have done the % of couples who are successful with the first round of IUI is REALLY small. I think it’s because the bad news came a week earlier than I thought it was going to. It really just never gets easier. Every time my period shows up I think maybe it will never happen, but I don’t like thinking that way because I am not sure I really believe that. I have a call in to my doctor to start the process all over again. At least this time I will not have to take any time off of work for all the ultra sounds and what not. So again I ask, please keep your fingers crossed, think good thoughts and pray if that’s your kind of thing this time for me to ovulate from the right side with more follicles.

I plan to drink heavily this weekend with my best friend and hubby, shoot my gun and ride my ATV. These are all things that make me feel better and I refuse to stay in the depression mode because it sucks! I will give myself the rest of today to feel shitty about it and then it will be time to move on. I continue to be amazed by the amount of support we have and also how many people actually have gone through this or are going through this same thing right now. Like I said in one of my first blogs we need to talk to each other more. You just never know who will have the thing that will make you feel better or inspire you. I hope that my blog not only makes me feel better, but helps others going through the same thing! And it’s not even just for the woman; this is a struggle for the men in our lives too. Marc has been amazingly supportive, but I know he is sad. We need to support them as well. Infertility affects so many parts of our lives and we need to be able to communicate with each other and understand what the other person needs. I am truly blessed to have the husband I do! I can’t say that enough!!!!! I LOVE YOU MARC!!!!!!

So that’s my update for the day. Not really the update I wanted to be giving, but that’s life…….

IUI

It has been a crazy week yet again. It must have something to do with the fact that school is almost over and people are loosing their minds....mostly the other adults I work with. Only 4 more days and it's summer break so I think I will be able to make it! :) Looking back it's hard to imagine how fast the year has gone, but it was a tough year.

Ok, back to the update I am sure you are here for.On Monday I gave myself the HCG trigger shot to induce ovulation. It was a little weird giving myself a shot, but it didn't hurt which is good! On Wednesday I had the IUI done. Marc gave his sample then an hour later we went in. Marc was very uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I told him it wasn't the most comfortable thing for me either so he was going to stand next to me and be my moral support. Reluctantly he came in the room with me. The nurse showed us the tube of sample to make sure it was ours. (Could you imagine if there was a mix up....NOT GOOD) Once it was determined that it was she put the sample into a small catheter, inserted through my cervix into my uterus and injected it. The whole procedure too about a minute and I didn't feel anything during it. The awkward part was having to lay there for 10 minutes afterward. It's like having sex with out any of the fun! ;) While I was laying there I did get a little crampy, but it was no big deal. Nothing like the uncomfortable HSG procedure. After the 10 minutes were up we left and were told to go back to normal activity. Now we wait 2 weeks before we can test. I think the hardest part for me is that there is nothing I can or can't do to help the process and I have to just wait. We all know I am a tad bit of a control freak and not having any control over this situation has been a hard part of the journey, but it has taught me a lot. It defiantly has taught me to let go of things that aren't important to me and to take a deep breath....life is too short.

On that note I just have to let you know that yesterday a former student of mine passed away in her sleep. She was 17. Finding out information like that really forces you to examine your own life and look at what you are doing. I couldn't imagine having to loose a child. Life really is too short and can be taken away from us at any moment...it is so important to live your life to the fullest with no regrets. I am thankful that her death was not in vein and she has taught many of us to find the joy in life.

I want to walk through life instead of being dragged through it.

-Alanis Morissette

Until next time keep smiling and live life to the fullest!

A Monday morning update!

Why hello to you all and happy Monday. This week is going to be a little bitter sweet for me. I am extremely excited for school to be over, but I only have 2 more days with my seniors. I have one senior softball player who will be very hard to say good-bye to. I am so proud of her success and can't wait to see where her journey takes her. She was accepted to CSU-Pueblo where she will be studying business and playing softball. I know we will keep in touch because I have pretty much adopted her :), but it's still kind of sad. 


Ok, on to the update about the baby making. As I mentioned in my last blog I went back to the doctor today for a follicle count ultra sound. I was a tad nervous that for some reason the follicle from Friday would have detached or something. So I am sitting in the waiting room FREAKING OUT and I ask my angel (Great Shirley) if she could help me relax a little. Not even 2 minutes later this man walks in with a blue bow-tie, cream colored pant suit (with the pants being too short) and pink socks. Now if that wasn't a sign from Great Shirley I don't know what is. :) Needless to say I lightened up. The follicle was a 19 on Friday and a 21 or 22 today which is great! So the next steps are: A shot today, baby dancing, and the IUI on Wednesday! I am so excited. Now I don't want to get too excited because we know where that leads, but I do have a positive attitude about it which is good. So I have to ask once again we can use all the finger crossing, good thought thinking and praying if that's your kind of thing we can get....THANKS!!!!!

Our first day out riding for the season!

Marc and I had the best weekend ever! We had dinner with our best friends and took our ATVs out yesterday. There is nothing better than spending time with your favorite people who you love. I am in the best mood today. I haven't been this happy in months...it's a great feeling. (I am sure the fact that I only have 8 days left of school helps!) It feels so much better to be happy...let's hope it continues. :)

Until next time....keep smiling and enjoy yourself!

Follicle count #2

Happy Friday to you all! THANK GOODNESS!!!! It has been a hell of a week!

I have been staying pretty positive throughout this journey, but had a slight bump in the road last night. Marc found out one of his friend's wife is pregnant. I really, really tried to put on a happy face and be excited for them, but I was not to successful. When Marc told me, I had to go upstairs and take a few minutes. Those minutes included  ALL of the cycles of grief I  think, I cried and asked a lot of questions about why or what I ever did to deserve having to struggle so badly and have it rubbed in my face. Now, I am well aware that them getting pregnant has nothing to do with me not getting pregnant...they are also great people and will raise their kid in a loving and able family. It's not fair of me to get upset, but it was about the only reaction I knew how to have in the moment. I have always been a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, I am just wondering what the reason is on this one. AND I am sure I will never know. I have spent a lot of time asking for help from my angels who look over me to get through this and find the positive in the situation. They keep coming through for me, so I hope that continues. (thanks Great Shirley!) So, if the person mentioned above is reading this (and Marc mentioned you do) I am very happy for you and hope that the pregnancy is with out distress!

Marc who continues to be my rock!

I headed to the doctor this morning to get another follicle count. On Monday the biggest was a 10 today it's a 19!!!! WOOT! There is also a second one that measures 12 and may continue to grow. They want me to come in again on Monday and have another follicle count ultra sound. My doctor is pretty positive that if the follicle does not release (and there are no signs or reasons for it to do so) we will be ready for the IUI on Wednesday. That way Marc can take the day off to go with me and we have some heads up. We will see how Monday goes, but she did seem pretty positive. Other good news: I DO NOT have diabetes. (Thank Goodness) My insulin level was a little high...it should be at a 5 it was at a 9, they said just to watch my sugar and we should be good. I probably should do that anyways and I would rather have a minor life style change than have to begin shots or more drugs. On the not so positive side, the doctor is a tad concerned about where my left ovary is. It sits right on top of my uterus. Usually this means there are lesions or scare tissue. I have never had surgery for anything in my reproductive system before, so we are interested in knowing why. This round I have had some more severe pain in my ovaries and that is because the egg is growing on my left side and pushing on my uterus. So...more finger crossing, good thought doing, praying if that's your sort of thing that either we can get pregnant from this side OR that next month (if we have to go again) we have follicles on the right side. BUT, like I told my friend Kay Dee, mostly positive news is ALWAYS better than all negative news. So as of right now I am pretty positive and hopeful with this cycle.

My BFF Kay Dee who has been there for every step of this. She's the best!

My beautiful family who is extremely supportive and amazing!

I continue to be amazed at the love and support we are receiving. It warms my heart to know that although people may not know how it feels to go through this stuff, they have empathy and warm wishes for us. Like I have said in my previous posts...it really does teach you who your friends are and who you can let go of. Personally I could not do this with out my AMAZING husband, beautiful family and supportive friends. Even my softball girls have gotten in on the finger crossing, good thoughts thinking, praying if that's your sort of thing! We are truly blessed to have such amazing people in our lives. I am hoping someday I can give you all the great news that I am pregnant! Life is still good even with some bumps in the road, we just have to remember to keep smiling!

Some PCOS journey Updates!

Happy Monday Morning....I would just like to start off by saying I have 13 days until summer break and I am VERY excited!

Ok, It has been a while since I have posted a blog. A few things that are going on: one-I am vloging on youtube which some of you know and if you want to see all my videos I post you can go to (http://www.youtube.com/user/woohoo5151?feature=mhum) It is amazing how many beautiful fantastic woman are out there going through some of the same stuff I am. It is so very helpful in keeping a positive attitude when you see these other woman going through this journey and many of them have successful outcomes! 

I took Clomid 100 mg on days 3-7 this cycle and just like the last cycle I did with this amount of Clomid I had some crazy side effects: CRAZY ASS DREAMS, head aches and HOT flashes. Although they can be a little irritating I am up for ANYTHING if it helps me get pregnant! Plus I am 100% sure child birth will be worse so why not just prepare myself for it now! :)

On day one of my cycle I went in for an ultra sound to make sure my ovaries were healthy and ready to go and they were! Today I went in for another ultra sound for a follicle count. I had a few, but the largest one was 10-11, they don't know if they will keep growing until they get to at least a 13. I will head back to the doctor for another ultra sound on Friday to see where they are. At that time they will decided when I should take my trigger shot and when next week Marc and I will go in for the insemination. They also took blood today to check for Diabetes. Since my form of PCOS makes me insulin resistant it can cause Diabetes, plus it runs in my family so it's just good to know. I am hoping Friday all the follicles will be big enough and we can get the rest of the process started! I am anxious to see if it works. WE SHALL SEE..please keep your fingers crossed, hold good thoughts and pray if that's your sort of thing. We need all the good vibes we can get and very much appreciate it!

At the Rockies game with my bunches!

My mood about the whole journey is pretty positive these days. My life is freaking amazing and I know I say it all the time, but I really do have the best man in my life! He is my rock and I am so lucky to have him  in my life! I will probably do another update on Friday when I go back, but until then let's all think positive and enjoy the life we have!