Struggling to understand why.......

Today has been the hardest day of my journey so far. I found out today round 3 of the Clomid didn't work. What made this time worse than the others is my period was almost 2 weeks late, I had signs of pregnancy and got my hopes up. (Which I know I shouldn't do) So to go from excitement for 2 weeks to udder devastation when I found out I wasn't pregnant was hard to say the least. Today is also the saddest I have been since the journey has begun. I just picked myself up out of bed with the sheets stained with tears. The reaction is unusual as well since I am not a big crier and to feel so sad is a hard emotion to know what to do with. I think I am so sad because I sometimes feel like it's my fault we don't have babies yet and I feel guilty that Marc is having to wait along side me while I struggle with my PCOS. He tells me often he does not feel that way at all and that this is a journey we are taking together, but I can't help but feel shitty about it sometimes. I just want to be a mom and have a happy healthy baby. I guess I just never thought it would be so hard.

It seems like everyone is asking about the baby-making and how it's going. People who don't know about my PCOS and are just asking because it's the logical thing to do after you are married for a year and a half right? It stabs me in the heart every time I have to say..."Kids? oh not yet...we are working on it." I have an even harder time with the people who do know about it and tell me "it will happen", "be patient", "stay positive". I know they are trying to be supportive, but right now I want to be sad about it, I don't want to be positive because it's really hard to be positive when the thing you are working hardest for isn't happening.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a next step and plan in place. We will be meeting with the fertility specialist as soon as she can get us in. I may still take the clomid, but there will be monitoring of my ovaries often and maybe injections that go along with it. I have not given up total hope, I am no where near that, but each month it's a negative test gets a little harder to handle. You would think it would get easier, but it doesn't. I am feeling positive about going to a specialist and doing some more invasive things than my doctor was doing. I don't want to waste anymore time........