Taking a break

As many of you know I was in my two week wait and going crazy. I had lots of symptoms and many of them looked like we might be pregnant. I took an HPT (home pregnancy test) Friday before we left to go camping and it was negative. However, it was a few days before I was supposed to be testing so I was not too concerned. Well,while camping I began to spot and started AF (aunt flow). I was really upset. :( I was relaxing in the tent while Marc was fishing when I realized and got extremely sad because I had to tell Marc we weren't pregnant. An intense sense of guilt came over me. It's my fault and my body making this journey so hard. I am afraid Marc will hold it against me or begin to resent me because it's such a struggle for us. So when I told him I cried, HARD. He was great just held me and reassured me he doesn't hold it against me or resent me for it. It was good to hear, but still in the back of my mind I have a fear of him having bad feelings toward me. In the moments of tears and sadness we had a very serious talk. TTC (trying to conceive) is emotionally and financially draining. We have been trying for a year and a half with out any real results except a huge hole in our hearts (and wallet). We decided we need to spend time refocusing our energy on each other and find peace in the fact that we have an amazing life. So after a year and a half of trying, lots of negative tests, thousands of dollars and many tears....we are taking a break from TTC. We are in a good place right now with it and both think it's the best thing to do.

In true Henderson fashion we have decided while we take a break from TTC we will party like ROCKSTARS. No need for us to sulk in what has not happened yet or worry about when it is going to. This break is to help us relax and enjoy the life we have together. What better way to enjoy life then be a little reckless and celebrate every moment we have together! We are young and have tons of time to be parents. There is a reason for this....there has to be! We will try very hard to find out why and someday it will be clear. Until then it's going to be about us for a while, back to exploring all the reasons we love each other so much, back  to the days where such heavy hearted emotions were not in our vision, back to the proud feelings of our accomplishments we have gained through our hard work! We have in no way given up. We will be parents someday, but right now we can't handle all the tears and broken hearts. Someday we will get back to trying.

We are not looking for sympathy, sadness, or pity from any of you. We are looking for understanding from you that we don't want to talk much about it, so please don't ask. The break starts today....out of sight out of mind for a while. We are so thankful for all the love and support you have all given us, we are truly blessed, and will keep you updated. When we know you will know! So for now let's toast to an amazing life and enjoying every minute of it! PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!!!


The video below is what is on my vlog. Thought you might like to see it. The music is the best part. :)

2ww symptoms

Ok, my two week wait has been killing me! I mean really, how do you not think about it? Everyday I get closer to being able to test I get more and more nervous. As you know I have NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test and I have mixed emotions about how to feel right now. Do I get excited and hopeful? Do I stay guarded and not ever get excited? It's such an weird place to be in right now. It doesn't help that I Google WAY TOO MUCH, I watch TOO MANY VLOGS, and I ALWAYS compare myself to others going through this too even though every woman is different. Oh well! I do LOVE Vloging though! I really just love it. So I have put together a little video of my 2ww symptoms. (which we on "womb tube"-look it up-do often!) This will give other crazy woman like myself another video to watch and compare themselves to; because that's what we do! :)

Now a little disclaimer before you watch it......trying to get pregnant is not a pretty thing and there are some things that the normal human may think is gross. SO...if you can't handle a little talk about what is happening to the body....I probably wouldn't watch this. The rest of you brave souls...ENJOY!!!!!!


http://youtube.com/watch?v=lAd4j5AgKHM

IUI #2....here's to successful baby-making!

Can I just start by saying how amazing life is? I have the best husband in the world, amazing friends and family and the most amazing ladies I coach! All put together equals a very blessed life that I am extremely thankful for. The weather has been beautiful and I am stress free for the first time in a long time. (Thank you summer break!)

I went for my last FC on Friday. Both follicles were still there. The one on the left was a 20mm or 21mm the one on the right was a 18mm or 19mm and my lining was a 9.5! All good news, so I gave myself the trigger shot on Saturday and went in for our IUI on Monday. Marc and I were both WAY more relaxed this time and just laughed all morning. (I am a true believer that your attitude plays a huge part in your success.) Marc took in his sample at 8:00am and then we went in at 9:30am for the IUI. Marc was much better about just coming in with me instead of making a big huff about it. It probably helped that there was a waiting room full of other patients. :) My doctor's office does a lot of teaching and there was a student who wanted to see how the procedure was done. I said "come on in, we'll make it a party!" Marc was none too thrilled that she was there or that I had made that comment. You see, when you have to go through all the doctors visits and uncomfortable situations while trying to get pregnant you learn just to laugh and make a joke about it. Marc is not quite there with me. LOL On the day of our first IUI Marc's count was pretty low with 4 million sperm...this time it was 38 million sperm. MUCH BETTER! The extra day off of baby-dancing made a hugh difference. I gave him some encouragement about how well he did this time, again not there with me yet. He wasn't thrilled I made that comment either, but he's not the one with people looking at him and getting all up in his business so I just kept laughing! My cervix was open and right where it needed to be and everything looked great. They finished the procedure and we laid there for 10 minutes then went about our regular day. (which included kicking ass at a softball game...JUST SAYING) So now it's the hard part; the two week wait. I am not even going to look at the calendar to see when I can test....we are going camping the weekend of June 18th and if I haven't started my period before that (PLEASE!!!) I will take a home pregnancy test! I have a good attitude about it, but again am cautious to be excited. These two weeks are going to be long, but I at least have lots planned and not much time at home by myself.  So if any of you want to hang out.....let me know. :)

Another thing that has been greatly helpful in going through this process is the community of woman I have found that vlog on Youtube. These ladies are amazing and the most supportive people you can meet. I do vlogs as well and update those more regularly then this. If you would like to see my videos as well as read this blog the link is:  http://www.youtube.com/user/woohoo5151?feature=mhee

That's all I have for today. It may be 2 weeks before I update again and hopefully it will be good news. THNAK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!!!
Jess

And here we go with round 2 of our IUI's

My Nephew & I in Junction

Happy Wednesday! I hope you all had a fabulous Memorial Day weekend. Marc and I went to Grand Junction with family and rode our ATV's. It was delightful!

Marc & our niece in Junction

Last Tuesday I went to the doctor for ultra sound #1 of this round of IUI. Both ovaries were clear which is good. Some woman (especially with PCOS) form large cysts on their ovaries and are unable to continue through the IUI process. I have been lucky not have that either round. Today was ultra sound #2 on cycle day 11. Last round on this cycle day 11 ultra sound I had no follicles on my right side and one on my left that measured around an 11. Today I had one follicle on my right side (which is the side less effected by my PCOS and the one we want to ovulate from) which was a 13 and ALSO had one on my left side which measured at an 18. Two positive things about this ultra sound: One-I have 2 follicles instead of just one! Two-the follicles are bigger on day 11 this time then they were last time! My left ovary is still stuck on top of my uterus and seems like it will probably stay there. Who knows if that is causing some of my problems. Not sure the doctor really knows either since we can't figure out why it is there. I will go in for another ultra sound on Friday to see how large the follicles have gotten. My doctor is pretty sure that Monday will be our day for the IUI. If that's the case I will give myself a trigger shot on Saturday and will keep our fingers crossed for Monday! I want to be excited that I have more than one follicle and they are larger, quicker, but I am reserved about having those feelings considering last time I was optimistic and it didn't work. We shall see. I think this round I will only be explaining my symptoms and feelings to my husband and will be more private about them so if it doesn't work, I am not having to explain myself to others and have people continue to ask questions. BUT, we can use all the finger crossing, good thought thinking, praying if that's your sort of thing we can get. We are grateful for all the support and love and will hopefully have good news soon!

Some of my favorite people & greatest
supporters.

The one thing I did struggle with today is having to ask Marc to take some time off on Monday. It is pretty short notice and I know that he has a hard time taking time off, that is just how the company is. He was not happy about having to try and figure out how to get the time off. I feel guilty about it because not only is it my fault we are struggling to have children, it's also my fault that Marc is having to fight to get the time off. It is a seriously sensitive subject and just his reaction of frustration made me cry. I don't know if I will ever feel better about the fact that it's my fault this happening. I am the only one making me feel that way, no one else has ever said anything about it, but it's still in the back of my mind often. Just something I am going to have to work through.

My softball girls

  So, I will continue to focus on other things like softball. We won our game (the first of the season) last night and it's non-stop softball from here on out! GO RAIDERS! We also have ATV and Camping trips planned and lots of time with family and friends. I have an amazing life with amazing people in it and have a lot to be thankful for. I try to think about all of these things when I am having a rough day. I love all of you and am grateful for your support and love. XOXO